Holon Speck

I am driving along, somewhere between Maine and Vermont
It must be New Hampshire
64 mph in my SUV
And suddenly I am a speck
A tiny speck in the universe
And I feel like a universe within a universe
On my own
And so far from home

That’s me, the speck

~

I feel so far away from my family, my grounding

And I wonder just what it is I am doing

What do I think I am doing

Whizzing around across 3 states in 3 hours

By myself in this big car

Looking for some answers

Chasing some rainbows

On this beautiful day meant to be spent outdoors

Not driving across 3 states

~

I chew on my inner lip

I do not know why I do this when I am driving

It hurts and yet somehow that is comforting

I check in with my body, I listen to Terry Gross, I give myself Reiki while I drive

I do not stop driving

~

I get their, to this college town

Where the beautiful boys without shirts

are working out on the track

And the co-op I stop at for supplies asks me if I am a member

And I don’t know where I am going

But I find the Thai restaurant right next to the campus

I request that they make the green curry with tofu

Thai spicy

I laugh and I say, “I like for it to make me cry”

The young lady laughs and tells me to wait for 10 minutes for my order.

~

Despite the friendliness of all around me

In this amazing college town

I feel like an outsider amongst these beings

Who are perfectly nice and friendly

Who let me in when I am trying to turn left and it seems impossible

who recognize my out of town plates

I know I don’t belong here

At this Ivy league school

With the hippie children and the beautiful boys

Perhaps my children, though, one day….

~

That night in the lovely resort

I cannot sleep

I sweat and shiver; they call it peri-menapause

The window is open and I hear the rain

I wake up craving coffee

And I run mile after mile on the treadmill

Looking at the beautiful lake

Rain pouring down

Feeling shy of those around me

~

I get to the conference early, I absolutely must have a front row seat.

I have driven 200 miles to see the speaker

And I want to absorb her knowledge and wisdom

I want her to look at me when she talks

I want to be her, I want to share my life with her, I want her authentic self to be my authentic self

I sit and silently watch her set-up

Right in front of me

I am in the front row

When do you tell her about how you use the book and your students do as well

~

And then it begins

She gives me everything I needed

Every bit of science spread right there in front of me

To demonstrate that learning to love oneself, learning to walk into things

and not run away

Is all a capacity based in psycho-neuro-immunology.

It is brain science

~

She is alone at the break and I take my chance

The book is signed

I stand face-face to tell her my story

Of how I saw her last year

How we adopted the book

How we struggle to convince others of the importance of this work

She authentically wishes me well and holds my eyes

And we diminish that space again and again.

~

I cradle the book after the conference

I am so content and happy with what I have learned

So affirmed on my journey and ready to welcome the challenges

Ready to welcome my voice

Ready to let go

I do not look at the message

It is like saving a piece of candy

To be opened at a time when it can be savored

~

As I drive home

In pouring rain and poor visibility conditions

Flying across the highways,backtracking 24 hours later, over 3 states,

I now feel like a more powerful speck

Like perhaps I am not a speck of dirt in the universe

But I am more akin to a speck of cosmic star dust

An eternal aspect of the universal whole

A holon- both whole onto myself and an aspect or a speck of something greater

~

I arrive home

Freshly bathed children inside are eagerly waiting, wanting kisses and treats and hugs

Husband inside is rapidly cleaning, after a messy dinner was consumed

And before I leave my SUV

My time capsule, space ship, traveling mobile, giant machine of safety

I open the book, read the inscription

And I radiate with love.

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One comment

  1. jeglatter · May 10, 2012

    Gorgeous. I identify.:)
    -Jennifer

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