I am all grown up
Middle age, approaching the end of fertility
Wrinkles emerge daily
And yet, a sweet family of my own
Beautiful, smart, angel girls
My God am I blessed
A beautiful life!
And every now and then
The Orphan comes out
How did they leave me
Here on this planet alone
And I feel untethered
Angry and confused
Adrift in some abyss
What am I doing here now?
Shamefully, I think
I didn’t even like them that much
Those dysfunctional people
I left as soon as I could and I didn’t look back
Until now, and then again sometimes
People have been through so much worse
Horrendous and heinous losses
Wars disasters illnesses sudden losses trauma young people and babies dying
My loss, losing my mother, brother, and father over a few years time span
I was 38 when my mother passed, early 40’s when the rest left
It was nine long years ago when she passed
Alone in the ICU of a hospital 500 miles from me
My brother died alone in a prison cell
And my father passed in his bed, his second wife at his side and me miles and miles away
Laughingly I sometimes acknowledge my status as an adult orphan
A title I rejected, not legitimate, until I became one
I have no family of origin left,
No connection from where I emerged
And still I mourn for what could have been
For what never was
For the broken part of me
For the lack of healing at an earlier stage
When the possibility was real
Could you have just loved me, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more?
Helped me to be able to trust the world?
Could you have held onto me a little bit tighter?
And now, could I let go of this enduring grief long enough
To see clearly the healing path behind and the path before me?
Feeling it deeply now
Be what you are, deeply and truly:
Stardust, a child of father-mother-God, earth mother, healer, lover, creator of peace, a place for space.