The Orphan Inside

I am all grown up

Middle age, approaching the end of fertility

Wrinkles emerge daily

And yet, a sweet family of my own

Beautiful, smart, angel girls

My God am I blessed

A beautiful life!

And every now and then

The Orphan comes out

How did they leave me

Here on this planet alone

And I feel untethered

Not grounded

Angry and confused

Adrift in some abyss

What am I doing here now?

Shamefully, I think

I didn’t even like them that much

Those dysfunctional people

I left as soon as I could and I didn’t look back

Until now, and then again sometimes

People have been through so much worse

Horrendous and heinous losses

Wars disasters illnesses sudden losses trauma young people and babies dying

My loss, losing my mother, brother, and father over a few years time span

I was 38 when my mother passed, early 40’s when the rest left

It was nine long years ago when she passed

Alone in the ICU of a hospital 500 miles from me

My brother died alone in a prison cell

And my father passed in his bed, his second wife at his side and me miles and miles away

Laughingly I sometimes acknowledge my status as an adult orphan

A title I rejected, not legitimate, until I became one

I have no family of origin left,

No connection from where I emerged

And still I mourn for what could have been

For what never was

For the broken part of me

For the lack of healing at an earlier stage

When the possibility was real


Could you have just loved me, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more?

Helped me to be able to trust the world?

Could  you have held onto me a little bit tighter?

And now, could I let go of this enduring grief long enough

To see clearly the healing  path behind and the path before me?

Feeling it deeply now



Let go.

Be what you are, deeply and truly:

Stardust, a child of father-mother-God, earth mother, healer, lover, creator of peace, a place for space.


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