Illusions

It was a normal morning
I walked outside with my fresh hot coffee
And for 5 seconds
I saw it all…

The boy opening his cigarette package
Hands shaking, so young
The man getting out of his car
The cars whizzing by on the road.

All temporary
Illusions floating by
Realities soon to change
A glitch in the matrix.

And I thought…
What did I just see, truth?
How did the veil flutter aside
For just a few seconds.

It’s gone now
But I keep thinking, yes
I will be in that moment again
One day, one night, soon.

Let Go

I had some good poems
They were written in my head
I awoke in the morning
Only to find the poems were quite dead.
*
I frowned down upon them
And sadly shook my head,
You naughty little things
How could you show up so very dead?
*
They still wouldn’t budge, not even a bit
Crying, sighing, they still remained dead
So I stopped what I was doing
And to the light I lifted my head.
*
“Forgive me great universe
These ones wound up being dead”
I prayed over and over again
A chant forming in my head.

school_of_death_web

(google images)

*
And then I let them go
Farewell poems leaving space inside my head
Searching for those new kind words
Having finally let go of you, dear departed dead.

Lost & Found

She was feeling alone and lost

Her mind wandering all around

She looked to the North Star

Seeking to be found.

*

Gazing up, she sensed a presence

Through the stardust in her eyes

She sunk down, and she fell beyond

Still staring into deep ink skies.

*

The feeling started low and deep

Crawling slowly up her spine

Reaching her mind with a thundering crash

When an ineffable love began to shine.

*

It happened in only a moment,

It took place with one long breath

Now she shines on brightly

No fear of pain, loss, or death.

*

Look to the North Star

Let your heart and soul loose to roam

Regain your way through stardust

Soon you will be back home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loss

When the loss is so great

And your heart feels beyond heavy

Saturated with grief and pain

Don’t run and hide in the fear

Rather open up completely

Let the grief swallow you whole

Let the pain tear you apart, bit by bit

Remolding your core of being

For when you open up to

The free falling dark abyss of grief

You will walk through that dark, fire-y, painful night

You will stumble and fall

You will ache and hurt

You will shudder and cry out

And you will carry on, forward marching

And emerge anew

On another side of this universe

Filled with peace, ease, love, and light.

So go now, and take all of your braveness

All of your love that you once knew for this precious lost soul

And allow it to propel you forward

Taking the hand of those who are likewise suffering

Together, you can scream through that dark abyss

Shed rivers of tears on the burning path

Rake your soul over the flames of death

And at last come to calm those fires

With your own healing river of tears

Be brave dear souls

And walk into that promise

Of a light filled peace

Emerging beyond the abyss.

 

Hush Now

Hush now

Watch a river flowing by

Guided by winds and tides

You reflect what meets the eye.

*

Quiet now

Stand strong as the tallest tree

Take up your space when needed

And do it comfortably.

*

Smile now

Watch the eagle fly overhead

Soar higher and higher

Rise above the flow of bloodshed.

*

Tears now

Seeing children laugh and play

Let go of fears of tomorrow

And be filled with grace today.

Even When

Even when things may seem not quite right

The spirit is moving within and through

Culling all the scattered pieces together

Creating a new and emerging you.

~

Even when the deep rage bubbles up inside

And you can feel it coursing through the body

The spirit is continually working small miracles

Your own light filled guide is overseeing.

~

Even then, and even right here and now

However dark you might be feeling

A new, greater order is emerging

With the infinite potential for healing.

~

Even when you think, this will never pass

Slow down for a moment, and than the next

Trusting right here and now,

Know the spirit’s healing annex.

 

 

This is…

This is me, a baby crying in a crib

One night, all night…

It’s just a story, but somehow I remember

This is you, so relieved when it stops

I never cried out for you again.

*

This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home

Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home

This is you, not knowing I was counting

Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.

*

This is you, going through great pain

And not knowing which direction to take

This is me, watching the family fall apart

And saying it was all okay with me

When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.

*

This is you, living a sort of new life

A new family, a new way of being in the world

This is me, coming home on weekends

Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life

And still wanting a family.

*

This is me, taking things too far

Dangerous behaviors in search of love

This is you, not answering my phone calls

Days, weeks without connecting

Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.

*

This is me, making myself sick, over and over again

Hopeless and anxious about the future

This is you, telling me to figure out

How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help

For a deadly illness.

*

This is you coming back closer to me

Making amends

Trying to be the person I needed in that moment

This is me struggling to balance it all

Teetering on the edge.

*

This is you, saying goodbye to me

Who knew these would be the last real words face-face

This is me, running and pulling up my roots

Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.

*

This is me, trying to connect with you

Phone calls unreturned

This is you, disowning me for an error not of making

Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.

*

This is me during our last phone call

Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives

This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator

When the hospital calls to say your story is ending

And in minutes you take your last breath.

*

This is us, our last moments together in a physical space

Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone

See, yes, this is you

Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.