Hush Now

Hush now

Watch a river flowing by

Guided by winds and tides

You reflect what meets the eye.

*

Quiet now

Stand strong as the tallest tree

Take up your space when needed

And do it comfortably.

*

Smile now

Watch the eagle fly overhead

Soar higher and higher

Rise above the flow of bloodshed.

*

Tears now

Seeing children laugh and play

Let go of fears of tomorrow

And be filled with grace today.

This is…

This is me, a baby crying in a crib

One night, all night…

It’s just a story, but somehow I remember

This is you, so relieved when it stops

I never cried out for you again.

*

This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home

Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home

This is you, not knowing I was counting

Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.

*

This is you, going through great pain

And not knowing which direction to take

This is me, watching the family fall apart

And saying it was all okay with me

When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.

*

This is you, living a sort of new life

A new family, a new way of being in the world

This is me, coming home on weekends

Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life

And still wanting a family.

*

This is me, taking things too far

Dangerous behaviors in search of love

This is you, not answering my phone calls

Days, weeks without connecting

Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.

*

This is me, making myself sick, over and over again

Hopeless and anxious about the future

This is you, telling me to figure out

How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help

For a deadly illness.

*

This is you coming back closer to me

Making amends

Trying to be the person I needed in that moment

This is me struggling to balance it all

Teetering on the edge.

*

This is you, saying goodbye to me

Who knew these would be the last real words face-face

This is me, running and pulling up my roots

Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.

*

This is me, trying to connect with you

Phone calls unreturned

This is you, disowning me for an error not of making

Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.

*

This is me during our last phone call

Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives

This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator

When the hospital calls to say your story is ending

And in minutes you take your last breath.

*

This is us, our last moments together in a physical space

Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone

See, yes, this is you

Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.

 

 

To the motherless

It’s going to be okay, my dear child

The wise woman whispered

Your mother is a part of you, and all around you

Just open your eyes to see her

See her everywhere.

Even if your mother is no longer,

No longer here in bodily form

Or was never there for you on this journey

You can see that she still is everywhere:

In the light that filters through the Spring leaves on the trees.

Twinkling from a star so far and yet so near.

In the wind that blows your hair around your head.

Between the musical notes of your favorite song.

In the eyes, nose, mouth that stare back at you from the mirror.

Through the way you laugh and smile when filled with joy.

In each wave crashing up from the ocean and landing briefly on the shore

Beaming brightly from a full rising moon

In every breath, as you breathe in the same oxygen molecules

that your mother inhaled while she carried you, safely, deep within her.

It’s all there, the mother you always wanted,

The mother you always needed.

She has been right here with you all along

She never left your side.

You may decide to no longer grieve this perceived loss of the mother

And you may decide to open your heart

To the beauty of the mother all around you.

Fear not, child, fear not

For you may decide to live

As if there is no such being

As a truly motherless child.

 

 

Dreaming Night and Light

She rest her head on the sweet, soft pillow

And feel into her mantra for sleep

The world continued to spin on its access

Weather, wind right outside her door.

And she began to dream

At first dreams of those departed

And she held onto them while she could

Asking for answers they did not have.

The dreams grew and evolved

Flowing into the master dream of all

Of Universal Light and Love

Radiating for all to see, beckoning all to just be.

When she awoke so early the next morning

There was a world filled with light

Love, Peace, and Joy… they were everywhere

The sweetest dreams, they really can come true.

Unbearable Compassion

So much loss, these many children gone

In an instant

An insane slaughter

Of life, love, potential.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

How to maintain love and compassion for all

This is the task before us

This is what will end wars

And usher in peace

For mankind.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Remember why you are here

Love, serve, remember

To practice unbearable compassion

For all suffering

Even for all bad, evil, corrupt acts

It will be unbearable

Eventually after years of aching…

Om Mani Padme Hum.

After years of practicing compassion

Your heart will flow with love and light

It will be seen in your body

Shining forth love

In your voice

Soothing and grounding

In your movement

Elegant and light

In your beaming smile

Om Mani Padme Hum.

And you will embrace all of it

And soothe all of it

And deeply know all of it

You will become

Unbearable compassion for all.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

On the mat

I come to the mat today
And I think, today I won’t cry
I’ll be happy and free
But I grab a tissue anyway.

I should not judge myself
For the seemingly bottomless depths
Of loss and grief
And yet I think, by now I should be healed.

But the heart does not know this
So it aches and aches and aches
The eyes don’t know they should be dry
After years of tears and tears and tears.

On this mat this morning, it is a safe place
A warm place where in warrior two my lips can quiver
In dancing warrior I can release the pain toward heaven
And in child’s pose I can nurture the lonely child within.

My plan is to come back here
Again, again, and over again
Until I take that last healing breath
Stepping of the mat, and into the light.

Untethered

I was standing in the tower

In the place of the mountain

City by the beautiful bay

Looking out into the darkness

I was so untethered there

That all I could do was think of you

And dream you into my life.

The next day I ran

I ran and ran along the sea

Through the fog

And up to the crest of the 1000 foot mountain

Overlooking the churning deep blue sea.

I was afraid to go closer

Closer to the edge, because part of me was there already

Sitting on the edge of that high seaside mountain

Thinking of flying off, and not flying off.

To fly and really feel how untethered to this world I was

Or to sit back down on the earth

And go back to dreaming of a weight, weight to hold me here.

The depth of emptiness, loneliness at that time

Is hard, and yet not hard at all, to recall and I am not quite sure

What pulled me through, why I did not fly those days on the mountain

There must have been the dreams I still had

Of one day, a family, one day a tethering to this world.

For me it did come, the bracing to life, but it was a long journey back

One I still walk each day, as I examine the fragile tethering that holds me

And if you are felling untethered, I would like to say hold on

Healing is possible, reach out for this line

That I am tossing to you now

I will be your tether whenever, however I can

I’ll hold you in this space on earth.