Gazing

I gaze at her online pictures

A long time ago, we were friends

We ran together, she was a twin

She was a joy to be around, so much fun and so sweet.

In this picture, she looks like her mom, her profile is so stunning

In the next one, she looks like her dad, with the strong jaw and large smile

And in the last one, her daughter looks just like her twin sister at that age.

All I can do is lurk

For she won’t have me

I requested her to be my friend again

And why would she want me,

When I wrote all of the wrong things to her

So very long ago.

We had the same coach

I know he hurt us both

And it’s not just what he did then

It’s the fact that his actions somehow separated us forever.

She is still beautiful

I hope she is happy

All I can do is gaze

And dream that we are friends again.

 

Love never fades

“Love never fades”
She says
And the tears well up.
It’s all still the same
This deep love in my heart
As I look around
I really see the winter wonderland.
I no longer wonder where the love went
It’s right here
Deep within
Ready to break through
and and warm up the soul’s coldness.
No more dark night of the soul
No more clinging and wishing inside
The soul is now warmed
With this lovelight that never fades.

Welcome the Eternal Flame

It may seem dark and stormy outside
And it may be tempting to hold onto
Those dark feelings, the pain, the anger.
*
But today, we can usher in a brilliant light
A light that lives on within the heart
A light that no man can dampen.
*
Just imagine, your whole being
From head to toe, your whole being
Soaked in a healing, loving light.
*
That light then concentrates in your heart
And with every heartbeat, it arises
Spilling and spreading out into the world.
*
This gift of eternal love and light
Is yours, it’s free, and it’s right there
Inside your heart forever.
*
Open to its presence and step right in
Radiate that light to all in need
It’s your own eternal flame.

Your story

Did I tell you about the time

I awoke in the middle of the night

To see my guardian angel

Floating above, in a soft glowing light?

~

Have I mentioned before

The time when I was on the verge

And the end didn’t happen

Something unknown halted the urge.

~

Then there was the day

When the universe opened up with a smile

And I knew I was guided on this journey

Moment to moment, and mile after mile

~

Can you tell me about those times

When your were guided or broken?

Why is it that some of those deepest of human times

Love, heartbreak, mystery,  the thoughts go unspoken.

~

So drink down your warm tea

As you sit with me here

Please tell me your story

We can together forever hold it near.

 

A Tribe

She walked in the room
Breathed deeply
I am at home
This is my tribe.
*
Hearts were wide open
Love flowed everywhere
She looked with all of herself
Third eye awareness.
*
How many lifetimes
Had they met in this way?
A cosmic consciousness
To love, serve, remember.
*
Rooted together
Healing the self and other
Growing stronger each day
A tribe to call home.
*
She walked out of the room
Carrying with her
The tribe’s light
Rooted in loving, serving, remembering.

A cold and sunny day

It should be spring, a few days away

Bright sunshine burns

Through cold air

And lands on brown earth

~

And she lays on me, beside me

Breathing

Not breathing

She won’t be here on the equinox

~

But on this cold and sunny day

She lays quietly on a bed

In the sun

Covered in a towel

~

On this cold and sunny day

She is more then a cat to us

She is our baby, sister, daughter

She represents love, and cuddling

~

An angel, a messenger, dear friend

Who takes her last breath

And moves somewhere else

On this cold and sunny day.

This Mountain: A story of and lesson in ease

It is cold out; it is June and we are at 8,000 feet in the sky. I do not believe it is only 43 degrees at 7 in the morning

So I check several sources and yes it is 43

But I am from Maine, so I can wear shorts and layers

I head out toward the mountain and pass a lady along the way

She wears a hat, a jacket, sweat pants, and gloves

She is not from Maine, I gather

As I say good morning

~

I begin to jog, it feels good and easy

Until I get to the slopes

And the lactic acid kicks in

Heart pounding

Legs aching

Lungs crying

I walk

and I stop

I almost crawl up some of the steep slope

But I stop again

and I look around me

Taking the time to find the ease and beauty

in the moment

~

At any moment we can find this

We can stop our uphill battle

be present

and see the beauty of the mountain

of melting snow

of rushing water

At any moment we can breath

And honor our human condition

as we step into the here and now

at any moment we can let go and simply be

~

I re-evaluate my route on this morning walk/ hike. I  jog

Starting and stopping

jogging and hiking

Sliding down the mountain

Breathing and noticing

Finding the ease for myself

as I look for the way back

Back and back and back

~

I stop and breathe and notice God’s creation

all around me

within me

this journey goes on

I change paths and go further, further, further then I had planned

and all that I must do is notice, seek ease, trust that I am guided toward

exactly where I need to be.

~

May all beings be able to stop and let go of the struggle

May all being know peace, joy and ease

May all beings uncover the truth

of that which is the only permanence

the alpha, the omega, the mother-father God within

And find a way to create ease from the heart.

Me and You, Don’t We See?

It’s hard being just ME

With an EGO from here to there

Don’t you see, don’t you see?

It’s hard being just ME.

~

It must be difficult being YOU

Over the gap from here

Don’t you see, don’t you see?

I want to meet you over there.

~

It’s almost impossible to be WE

We have to go to that space

Where we can see

Beyond the bounds of time and space

~

Let’s evolve our consciousness

So we can see, we can see

Beyond this limited dimension

Of a distant YOU and ME

Holon Speck

I am driving along, somewhere between Maine and Vermont
It must be New Hampshire
64 mph in my SUV
And suddenly I am a speck
A tiny speck in the universe
And I feel like a universe within a universe
On my own
And so far from home

That’s me, the speck

~

I feel so far away from my family, my grounding

And I wonder just what it is I am doing

What do I think I am doing

Whizzing around across 3 states in 3 hours

By myself in this big car

Looking for some answers

Chasing some rainbows

On this beautiful day meant to be spent outdoors

Not driving across 3 states

~

I chew on my inner lip

I do not know why I do this when I am driving

It hurts and yet somehow that is comforting

I check in with my body, I listen to Terry Gross, I give myself Reiki while I drive

I do not stop driving

~

I get their, to this college town

Where the beautiful boys without shirts

are working out on the track

And the co-op I stop at for supplies asks me if I am a member

And I don’t know where I am going

But I find the Thai restaurant right next to the campus

I request that they make the green curry with tofu

Thai spicy

I laugh and I say, “I like for it to make me cry”

The young lady laughs and tells me to wait for 10 minutes for my order.

~

Despite the friendliness of all around me

In this amazing college town

I feel like an outsider amongst these beings

Who are perfectly nice and friendly

Who let me in when I am trying to turn left and it seems impossible

who recognize my out of town plates

I know I don’t belong here

At this Ivy league school

With the hippie children and the beautiful boys

Perhaps my children, though, one day….

~

That night in the lovely resort

I cannot sleep

I sweat and shiver; they call it peri-menapause

The window is open and I hear the rain

I wake up craving coffee

And I run mile after mile on the treadmill

Looking at the beautiful lake

Rain pouring down

Feeling shy of those around me

~

I get to the conference early, I absolutely must have a front row seat.

I have driven 200 miles to see the speaker

And I want to absorb her knowledge and wisdom

I want her to look at me when she talks

I want to be her, I want to share my life with her, I want her authentic self to be my authentic self

I sit and silently watch her set-up

Right in front of me

I am in the front row

When do you tell her about how you use the book and your students do as well

~

And then it begins

She gives me everything I needed

Every bit of science spread right there in front of me

To demonstrate that learning to love oneself, learning to walk into things

and not run away

Is all a capacity based in psycho-neuro-immunology.

It is brain science

~

She is alone at the break and I take my chance

The book is signed

I stand face-face to tell her my story

Of how I saw her last year

How we adopted the book

How we struggle to convince others of the importance of this work

She authentically wishes me well and holds my eyes

And we diminish that space again and again.

~

I cradle the book after the conference

I am so content and happy with what I have learned

So affirmed on my journey and ready to welcome the challenges

Ready to welcome my voice

Ready to let go

I do not look at the message

It is like saving a piece of candy

To be opened at a time when it can be savored

~

As I drive home

In pouring rain and poor visibility conditions

Flying across the highways,backtracking 24 hours later, over 3 states,

I now feel like a more powerful speck

Like perhaps I am not a speck of dirt in the universe

But I am more akin to a speck of cosmic star dust

An eternal aspect of the universal whole

A holon- both whole onto myself and an aspect or a speck of something greater

~

I arrive home

Freshly bathed children inside are eagerly waiting, wanting kisses and treats and hugs

Husband inside is rapidly cleaning, after a messy dinner was consumed

And before I leave my SUV

My time capsule, space ship, traveling mobile, giant machine of safety

I open the book, read the inscription

And I radiate with love.

Summer in Maine

Maine is a beautiful place to spend the summer. Everything is incredibly green, the days are warm, and the thunder storms are spectacular. Roadside farm stands abound with berries, corn, squash, cucumbers, and flowers. I have been indulging all of this week on warm blueberry pie with ice cream, which also means I have been running 5-7 miles/ day to keep the pudge at bay.We made a trip to Albany earlier in July where I received a professional recognition award from my alma mater, and two weeks ago we went to music festival in CT. Ahead of us, the girls have a dance camp next week, and then following week, the older one will go to day camp at farm while we also tent camp as a family at the sister campground. We may also take a drive up the coast, as there is so much of Maine we have not seen.

It’s nice to just spend time chilling out. We are fortunate to have the most amazing summer home; my husband’s father and mother purchased this property on a lake in Western Maine some 48 years ago and now hubby owns it along with his 2 brothers. We are the only one’s who live locally enough to access the property regularly, and to be honest, I sometimes feel like this property is mine! The girls love it here as well, as they get to go to the beach almost everyday, ride in the ski boat, go fishing, and swim to their hearts’ content. Being at “the camp” feels like vacation, and I think we all experience a sense of peace and ease that we don’t have at other times in our lives. It’s easier to meditate here, it’s easier to sleep and rest here. I also find that without the daily distractions I experience elsewhere, I am more likely to get to work on writing and other projects then I would be at home.

Sunset on the Lake

Maine Lake Sunset

We have had a dear friend from college visiting this week and that takes away some of those lonely feelings and my pity-party attitude of I don’t have any friends here. She has been helping a great deal with the girls, acting like their second mom, and this has allowed me the time to finish prepping two of my three Fall courses, while I also continue to write an article that needs to be done by the end of this month.Tonight we are going to have a picnic dinner on the beach, then take a boat ride at sunset and light off some balloon lanterns in memory of those we have lost in the past year. My husband’s mom passed away, my father died, and our dear friend lost her husband (who was also my husband’s best college friend) to lymphoa.

More Maine sunset!

It has been only about a month total I have been “off” from work, and, as I mentioned, I am really experiencing a sense of ease and relaxation that is hard to come by during the school year. However this makes me nervous, because I have this crazy idea that when the wheels start spinning again, I won’t be able to keep up. I also get concerned about just how hard and fast those wheels spin during the school year. I need to find ways to maintain this peace and ease on a year-round basis, though I am entirely grateful that I have these two months to rest and rejuvenate.

But for today, right now, I know what I can do; step away from the computer and spend 10 minutes meditating before the kids return from swimming at the beach, hot and tired and looking for Mommy comfort.