Rivers

Last night I cried
A river of tears streaming out
This I not why I signed up for
My stance would not redoubt.
~
I didn’t ask for war and hate
Ignorance, violence, and fear
I didn’t think I would face this place
Horror and pain, year after year.
~
I tell myself, I am not depressed
Just sick and tired of it all
I am not unwell
Just suffering from the fall.
~
Each little stream
Running down the lines of my face
Create a larger river
Running into that familiar place.
~
Crying me a deep dark river
Running out of tears
Crying me a deep dark river
Over days and into years.

Advertisements

Gazing

I gaze at her online pictures

A long time ago, we were friends

We ran together, she was a twin

She was a joy to be around, so much fun and so sweet.

In this picture, she looks like her mom, her profile is so stunning

In the next one, she looks like her dad, with the strong jaw and large smile

And in the last one, her daughter looks just like her twin sister at that age.

All I can do is lurk

For she won’t have me

I requested her to be my friend again

And why would she want me,

When I wrote all of the wrong things to her

So very long ago.

We had the same coach

I know he hurt us both

And it’s not just what he did then

It’s the fact that his actions somehow separated us forever.

She is still beautiful

I hope she is happy

All I can do is gaze

And dream that we are friends again.

 

No Regrets

He said, I have no regrets

But when the time came to finally rest

He at last admitted

This life he had chosen was far from the best.

~

He was clearly broken

Not sound and not well

But he couldn’t divulge

All of the pain in his personal hell

~

Yes was broken,
 
And he couldn’t figure out why
 
He had to go on living 
 
‘Cause there was no time left to die. 

~

No regrets

None that he could admit anyway

No regrets

No time to live another way…

~

Only time to live

He could regret another day

Only time to live

No regrets left now anyway.

Suffering

A baby not meant to live

A toddler’s tiny body overcome with illness

A teen making the wrong choices

A man broken, fighting his addictions

A middle-age person, grieving his losses

An elder, lonely from the inside out

Suffering….

A child running out, unable to dodge the car

A parent striving to get their child the care they need

A mother saying goodbye to her babies

A man caught up in his own delusions

A person feeling never ending avarice

A life so shattered, the desire to end it grows

Suffering….

A fear so large that it consumes the mind

Anxiety felt deep within the gut

Spasms, tremors, constant pain

Fever so high that seizures happen

Withdrawing from addictive substances

No more answers, no more choices

Suffering….

It is the human condition

It is you, it is me

Listen to what the Buddha said

Attachment and aversion lead to suffering

Sit here now, close eyes, breathe

And accept the suffering.

Suffering….

 

 

 

 

 

#MeToo

I was 14
He was my track coach
I thought he was one of my best friends
He was 31
#MeToo
~
My brother left me alone
With his friend’s cousin
I didn’t want to
But…
#MeToo
~
He said to me
It’s not over until
I say it’s over
And so it was
#MeToo
~
He also said to me
I love it when you get drunk
You will do anything
When you are drunk
#MeToo
~
Three doctors
They touched me, one causing pain
Lacking all sense of decency
One was a woman
#MeToo
~
At work as a nurse
Arms wrapped too tight
What would he say?
Nothing, he’d knock you out
#MeToo
~
There’s more
Too much more
And I wonder why
I am how I am
#MeToo
~
Every woman
Our young girls
Every vulnerable being
Deserves better
#NoMore
#StandUp
#MeToo

Sometimes Grief

Sometimes grief slips out

When I am least aware.

Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,

Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,

And I feel it well up inside of me.

Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.

Usually I feel it and think why?

Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?

I should be over this….

Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that you were not kind

That you had not the ability to be thoughtful

That you were too broken

To be a caring person

and

That we were not close those last years.

Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief

Though it can make it difficult

To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall

That was built up for protection.

But every now and then it happens

The proper words, the forgotten song,

The right set and setting…

And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.

A few tears spilling down my cheeks

Silent, heart aching, never ending

A quiet reminder

That you are still missed.

Only then, grief spills out.

 

 

Lotus & Dragonfly

Both mired in the muck, the mud
Immersed so deeply in the darkness
They journey alongside one another
Striving, healing, rising
Ever arising.
*
Lotus rises first
Green emerging
Flat leaves, broad and sturdy
Shading pond below
Silently growing, transforming.
*


*
Alongside lotus, dragonfly nymph
Slowly climbing out of muck
Arise above mud, and climb green reed
Pause…
Next, emergence.
*

*
Lotus flower grows tall
Dragonfly nymph wriggles
Both work, both venture
A world unknown
A new life.
*
Lotus flower slowly blossoms
Emerging in sunlight
Drinking in warmth
Closing upon darkness
Always protected.
*
Dragonfly pauses
Patiently waiting, drying
Growing stronger through sitting
Little movement
Preparing for flight.
*
Lotus, Dragonfly
Lessons to learn
Arise, arise, and arise above
The depths of darkness
From whence they came.