I still remember the day I took the second pregnancy test
It was the day after my 40th birthday and the test the day before my 40th birthday was negative.
And suddenly the line appeared and the thought of you became a reality.
I was a little overwhelmed, as your sister was only 18 months old and I was still breastfeeding her.
Let’s also face it that I was old, a geriatric mother, an advanced maternal age mama who had been too busy chasing educational dreams (or were they nightmares?) to have children earlier.
Shortly after I learned of your existence I had a dream about you, that you were a little boy. I bought a few little boy things and tried to imagine having a boy after having only a girl. What would I do with a boy? All I had was a family name to give a boy.
Finally, at week 20 I learned you were indeed a girl and I could breathe a little easier. Phew, I knew what to do with a little girl. I was horribly sick with morning sickness with you and I swear to God if men were able to conceive and feel like that like they were having the worst hangover of their life, day after day, week after week, like some long drawn out real life Groundhogs Day movie, we would have developed a safe effective medicine that really works for this issue long, long ago.
That being said, I loved dreaming of you, I worried if you would be as cute as your sister, and that of course turned out not to be a problem. I worried when we hit the deer in the road at 5 in the morning on my way to work, but you were safe and snug in utero.
When you finally decided to make your debut, with me going into labor on your grandmother’s birthday, but you not arriving until the next morning, I was surprised at how squishy you looked. I am sure I swore through some of the pain of delivering you, and I remember trying to roar like a lion through contractions and that roar cam out as more of a mew. Regardless, after I caught you, I brought you up to my chest and I said, “I love you baby”.
Before we knew it you went from having to be held in mommy’s left arm all day to scooting around on the floor on your butt, because you refused to crawl. We called you scooter for a few months there, but you quickly outgrew that nickname when you stopped scooting and started walking, chasing after your big sister.
I watch you grow and I am amazed at how smart, funny, witty, and talented you are. It may be hard to be the little sister sometimes, to watch your older sister do things you can’t yet do, and to feel how unfair it is that she is simply older and gets to do other things. But make no mistake, you have your own talents and skills.
When I see you run, I know you have “it”. You remind me of my brother, who was quite the runner, with a grace and ease when you run that is something to behold. You may chose to be a runner or something else, and I don’t really care, all I really want is for your to be happy and healthy, but you probably have that natural ability that could help lift you above the others should you train hard and go that route.
You also have your own musical talents and remember that you and your sister started piano lessons at the same time; therefore you will always have two more years of piano experience than she has had. You started playing when you were 4 I think and I thought it was already late to get you started since your daddy started playing when he was 3.
I hope you keep writing and creating. Drawing, coloring, cooking…there is so much for you to do in the world, so many ways to express yourself.
I still try and get used to the idea that you don’t want to walk or hike, at least that is what you always say, but once we get going, you always have fun, you always lead us along. I hope though that someday you will truly love the adventures of exploring in the outdoors, discovering the beauty all around, and love it such a way as to always be finding ways to connect to nature.
This may be the year that you beat me down the ski mountain. It will be bitter sweet for me, knowing you love to fly like the wind, and knowing I will have to watch you sail by me, someday even letting you go to fly on your own.
You are my baby, my special angel, my daughter number two.
I still remember the day I took the second pregnancy test
I will not stand for
I will stand for
Love for all mankind
All of Us
We are United
We are Love
We are One Love.
Both mired in the muck, the mud
Immersed so deeply in the darkness
They journey alongside one another
Striving, healing, rising
Lotus rises first
Flat leaves, broad and sturdy
Shading pond below
Silently growing, transforming.
Alongside lotus, dragonfly nymph
Slowly climbing out of muck
Arise above mud, and climb green reed
Lotus flower grows tall
Dragonfly nymph wriggles
Both work, both venture
A world unknown
A new life.
Lotus flower slowly blossoms
Emerging in sunlight
Drinking in warmth
Closing upon darkness
Patiently waiting, drying
Growing stronger through sitting
Preparing for flight.
Lessons to learn
Arise, arise, and arise above
The depths of darkness
From whence they came.
One day we will rise up
With small smiles in our eyes
Our hearts bursting with love
And we will know peace.
One morning we will turn our backs
And walk slowly away
Knowing conscious freedom
Oppression now a thing of the past.
No more doubt, no more fear
Strength from within emerges
Kindness, care, compassion
Ruling this big blue planet.
Until then, I will believe
In the kindness of strangers
In the light from your eyes
In the call of the birds
And the warm breeze blowing over me.
I will believe in a greater good
A daily miracle from nature
A stronger power of presence.
I will believe in the season of change
Stepping up and moving forward
A path laid out at my feet
And freedom for all.
They noticed me
And rushed over
Only to screech out
Far too loudly
Step down and go away
You must keep your silence to yourself.
Your silence is breaking us
It is its own form of protest
So you must tuck it in
To that crevice in your brain
Where little else matters.
But…but…I like my silence
It gives me refuge
Comfort and light flow through my silence
Can’t you see my spirit when I am silent?
Breathing, moving yet unmoving
I smile when I am silent.
Keep it, your silence
There is no space for it here, now
There is no time or taste for such things
There is only time to speak up
To shout loudly
To roll in anger, confusion, righteousness, and despair.
Yet, when I am silent it creates even more space
For something new to emerge
Great healing, great love
And others’ songs can come through
When I am silent
A new time emerges, as the old slips by.
No, they answered
The silence is too scary, too unknown
We can’t tell what you are really thinking
When there’s too much space, and openness
Anything might leak through
And come crashing out like a
Sonic boom to the heart.
Oh, I say
And I shut my eyes
Returning again and again
To this moment
This crushing power of silence.
Just a few are gathered now
In a place so light and free
Just a few converging
One of them could be me.
Just a few assembled
To dance under a sinking sun
Soon nighttime will gather
You won’t find them on the run.
Amassing love and peace
Souls create a true convergence
They practice and rehearse
Creating a love-filled resurgence.
We will keep on dancing
Moving under a star-lit sky
Spinning and twirling
We are free until they die.
All will still be singing
Those precious songs from within
There are no words, only space
Little comforts in this tailspin.
It will surely end in death
But at least we will be free
All certainly ends with nothing
And the same will be of me.
Until that time I will keep dancing
Singing until I am free
Until then you will find me twirling
Living, a mind full of God’s esprit.
Darling, you can keep on dancing
For it will set your spirit free
You may look within your own sweet self
Gazing deeper still to see.
“Love never fades”
And the tears well up.
It’s all still the same
This deep love in my heart
As I look around
I really see the winter wonderland.
I no longer wonder where the love went
It’s right here
Ready to break through
and and warm up the soul’s coldness.
No more dark night of the soul
No more clinging and wishing inside
The soul is now warmed
With this lovelight that never fades.