In Dreams

I had a dream… or two…

In the first one we were flying

Not gloriously, like fine eagles in the sky

But laboriously, waiting in lines

Running through airports

Not getting the right seat

Landing in the middle of the road in strange cities.

Flying north when we wanted to go southwest.

Finally we get there, and I see my long-gone mother

She is radiant and young and happy

But too soon we must fly away again

Caught in all of the trappings of flying.

And then, oh, then, the dreams get strange.. and back to normal again

Children falling away, down and far away.

Your running away, now hidden in darkening shadows

I can’t find you

My heart is breaking into 300 million pieces.

Getting drunk when I haven’t drank in 6 years

Mysterious people recognizing my glow

New lives emerging

Warm sandy beaches

Food like I have never known before.

I finally wake up, and I almost pinch myself

I cry…

….and shake

….and feel my heart thumping in my chest.

Where am I now, why am I now…?

Just please don’t float away yet

Stay here in my memory

So I don’t forget you

The lessons, your wisdom, your beauty.

Stay dream, stay…

 

 

Why Don’t You?

Why don’t you sit by the fire

Put your feet up

Sip some tea

And color in your coloring book?

*

You need these moments to renew,

To revive your weary mind

To be here right now

And let go of what should be left behind.

*

Why don’t you breathe in

This very moment… and the next and the next

As you stretch up from your yoga mat

Reaching for the stars in the heavens.

*

You need to feel your body here

Noticing each breath and pause

Caring for the aches and pains

And embracing your human strength and limitations.

*

Why don’t you just notice

The little beings surrounding you

Children, cats, dogs, even the house mice

Vying for your eyes upon them.

*

Waking up, noticing, being here now

Will repair your brain circuits

Supporting healing from the trauma

That everyday stress brings to you.

*

Why don’t you just be

Relax, revive, regenerate, renew your soul- being

Breathe, live in this moment, let go…

Why don’t you?

 

Twinges of cold: The door to Winter

Cold wind bites through soft layers

Briskness touching the human core

This is the beginning

Ahead the promised fading toward more

~

Cold days of frost and dim light

Wintery glittering nights of snow

We think of what may be ahead of us

Yet, we have yet to learn and know

~

Can we find ways to bring joy

Peace, and ease without light

Can we remember our own humanity

To brighten up the long winter’s night?

~

Let us welcome the challenge

And swing wide open winter’s door

Let us be thankful, show gratitude

And make this season worth more

I should be

I should be writing, I think

Instead I am just sitting here

Stumbling, grumbling, grasping

Fighting with the words

That keep getting stuck

in the nooks and crannies of my head.

@&*%^

I should be singing

With a full heart and voice

Sending it out

Across the Universe

For you to sing too

Instead I sit quietly

A burning lump in my throat

@$%^@

I should be running

Faster and stronger

Moving from here to there and back

Again, repeat, again

Meanwhile I lay perfectly still

staring at the icicles

Dripping and losing themselves

+@#$%

Something in me wiggles and writhes about

This is not right to do just nothing

To be bored and restless

Find a focus, something urges

Do something, get busy

Grade these papers, edit that paper

Write this poem

@+&*(

Or go somehwere

Get in your car and go somewhere

Shopping, movie, food, coffee, clothes, shoes

Yoga, gym, hiking, skiing, therapy, bodywork, library

Anything, just get out and go

Here or there or wherever

*&%^$

Or meditate, yes that is it!

Go deep and feel it

Oh yes, that came from here and this from there

And I can feel it there, and here, and over there

What a crazy little monkey mind you have there

And oh yes, write about it

Journal it all up and tie it with a bow

+(*&^

Just do something

The mind propels, compels, active and wild,

Bored and restless and angry

You can’t just sit there

Curled up on the couch like that

Under how many cuddly blankets

Napping like some middle aged loser baby

@*&$

Don’t just be

Don’t just rest

Don’t just sit there

This is it, just today

Remember all of those other days you just sat there?

+_$%^

I should be….

 

 

 

 

 

I just knew

I woke up in the dark

And in a sleep -filled haze

The image and the feeling

They grew into me and ….

I knew

~

I suddenly had realized

How all things work together

How the yin comes to meet the yang

How the good mixes with the evil

I got it all, and I knew

~

I saw it as the ying and the yang

But instead of white,black, grey

It was white and purple and blue

I breathed it all in on one breath

And I knew

~

I knew great comfort in this perception

And I knew an answer of sorts

How the pain leads to healing

The light shines into the dark

I now knew

~

I knew I could remember

The feeling of knowing was so deep

And so real, I was floating with it

I was it, in every cell; complete

And I wish for you to know too.

Gratitude

I wake and the stars shine brightly down upon me

Repeating their patterns again and again

Twinkling their mysterious lights

I am awake and thankful

~

And soon, the sun follows

Chasing the stars far away with her glow

A sherbet colored rising in the sky, shifting from pink to bright yellow

I am awake and full of gratitude

~

The sun slides across the sky

Following her well-worn paths again and again

Her shifts so imperceptable

Yet each day the pattern is new, even if only slightly so

~

I am awake and full of gratitude

As she slides toward the Western horizon

Reminding me of what was left behind

As the sky flares pinks and reds in her wake

~

Grateful for the stars emerging again

Another day to live, love, grow

Falling into ease and presence of the now

Slipping gently into the softness of the bed

~

Gratitude and thankfulness

Moving through every cell

Radiating out to others

I am asleep and thankful

Savassana

We start the class

The teacher asks about everybody’s body

We hear about neck, shoulders, low back

Again and again

We repeat our bodily issues

~

I am the last

My turn, Finally

My neck, shoulders mid-back, low-back hurt too

But instead I tell my best yoga joke

“I am just here for Savasana!”

Laughter to start the class

I do love Savasana

~

It is yoga

It is yin yoga

It is resting into discomfort

Finding a way to not go to the edge

and yet sit with discomfort

A way to create Ease

~

There are favorite poses

And not so favorite poses

Part of me wants to push and go deeper than need be

And  part of me wants to rest, not work so hard

I want Savasana now

~

Savasana- The Corpse Pose

Time to practice dying

In the moment

To the moment

Melting back into the earth

From whence we came

~

That is why I am here

To practice Savasana

Being here now

Dying again and again

Back to the earth, back to mother-father God

~

The hour stretches on

I am a pretzel

And then there is Savasana

She comes to me

And she says, “let somebody help you”

And she covers me gently

an eye pillow placed to support my head

~

And I feel the tears well up

I need to let others help

I need to let go

And it is so hard

I miss my mommy

I cry a little for the missing of the original mother

~

And I, we have our Savasana

A time to heal and rest

While the world outside spins and spins some more

Busy people, getting to somewhere or nowhere

They are happy or sad or numb

Loud cars, horns toot

And we rest here on this wooden floor

In the light filled, safe place

~

We melt, we become the one with the One

Savasana leading to the ultimate Namaste

Savasana leading us from death to awakening

To recognition

Of the greater One within all

~

Savasana.

It is all I am here for anyway.

This Mountain: A story of and lesson in ease

It is cold out; it is June and we are at 8,000 feet in the sky. I do not believe it is only 43 degrees at 7 in the morning

So I check several sources and yes it is 43

But I am from Maine, so I can wear shorts and layers

I head out toward the mountain and pass a lady along the way

She wears a hat, a jacket, sweat pants, and gloves

She is not from Maine, I gather

As I say good morning

~

I begin to jog, it feels good and easy

Until I get to the slopes

And the lactic acid kicks in

Heart pounding

Legs aching

Lungs crying

I walk

and I stop

I almost crawl up some of the steep slope

But I stop again

and I look around me

Taking the time to find the ease and beauty

in the moment

~

At any moment we can find this

We can stop our uphill battle

be present

and see the beauty of the mountain

of melting snow

of rushing water

At any moment we can breath

And honor our human condition

as we step into the here and now

at any moment we can let go and simply be

~

I re-evaluate my route on this morning walk/ hike. I  jog

Starting and stopping

jogging and hiking

Sliding down the mountain

Breathing and noticing

Finding the ease for myself

as I look for the way back

Back and back and back

~

I stop and breathe and notice God’s creation

all around me

within me

this journey goes on

I change paths and go further, further, further then I had planned

and all that I must do is notice, seek ease, trust that I am guided toward

exactly where I need to be.

~

May all beings be able to stop and let go of the struggle

May all being know peace, joy and ease

May all beings uncover the truth

of that which is the only permanence

the alpha, the omega, the mother-father God within

And find a way to create ease from the heart.

Working on Grief: The Knotted Chain

I sit across from her

in the cozy room, painted in earth tones

it grows too warm over the hour, there are no windows

and she redirects me to the various topics I need to address

how to manage stress

how to get what I want out of life

how and when to ask for what I need

and now healing the grief….

~

Over the last 6 years I lost my family of origin

my mother, my brother, and my father

Last year alone I lost my mother-in-law, my father, and my dog; all within 7 weeks

And yet the grieving process get puts on hold

~

I am raising children

I am learning yoga

I am teaching

I am even teaching a class on grief and bereavement

I am busy

and tired

I run; 5 days a week I run

too busy to enter into grief properly

~

It shows up unexpectedly

a friend asks how I am

I cry

I come home the day before my father’s birthday

I cry

~

She says to me that I need to have fun

And I am not even sure what that means

Another kind soul says the same

you need to let go, choose freedom, let it go, let it go, let it go

Don’t live your life afraid

and stop trying to control the outcome

Make room for joy

~

In the cozy windowless room, which is too warm for this Spring day

She tells me that I am not just grieving the loss of my father

I am grieving the loss of the dream father, the father he could have been

the idea ricochets of me and lands coldly at my feet.

I stare down at the idea, laying there at my feet,

and I just cannot connect~ my brain or my heart is just too thick to let this idea in

I don’t believe it is true… but I am willing to ponder it

~

I come home and I am crying

He tells the kids I am sad because I miss my dad

I loved my dad and he is dead and tomorrow is his birthday

So mommy is crying

But really that is not it

I am crying because I am walking through the idea

The universal idea

The universal pain

That I am unworthy, that I am not good enough, that I am indeed,

when it comes right down to it,

I am un-love-able

~

I cry and I cry and I cry

I cry through dinner

I cry doing the dishes

I cry while he plays the piano

Tunes like “The Weight”

The Weight

~

I stop crying and start the nightly ritual with the girls

cuddles, light the nightlight, welcome the boy cat on the bed, and reading in bed

In one of the stories the king fairy laughs;

I change it so that in a deep voice he laughs and he laughs and he laughs

Until we are laughing and we have a hard time stopping

It is late and the girls snuggle down, one child next to me

With one child on my chest

I go back, back, back

and I walk into the pain

That sits there in my heart

I could not make him love me, not for real

~

The pain swells out from my chest and I hold it there

Just as these 2 children have been granted to me from God

Perhaps also the pain

IT is large and stingy, and it hurts deeply, abundantly, all around me

It threatens to swallow me whole

I am tired and drowsy

From all of the crying

But I stay with it, the abundant pain

And then something shifts

~

The pain moves away

It is gone

The stingy hurt and heart-aching stop

And there is love

Real love

Mellow and sweet

True and strong

Real Love

~

She tells me the pain in my mid back is not physical

It’s not really from the car accident three years ago

It is a pain that is emotional, spiritual, based in fear

and in the need and desire to control

I cry, she cries

I draw the horse card

Freedom; freedom to choose to let go ….and to act and be free

Instead of wound up tight, closed off

~

Like a knot in the middle of a never ending fine link chain

I still need to let it go

Perhaps toss it to the wind

Instead of painstakingly pulling it apart

The impossible task

~

Goodbye family of origin

You brought me here somehow

And for that I thank you

Goodbye childhood dreams

And conscious and unconscious layers of craving, craving real love

Have some fun, they both have said

Unwind it all

Summer in Maine

Maine is a beautiful place to spend the summer. Everything is incredibly green, the days are warm, and the thunder storms are spectacular. Roadside farm stands abound with berries, corn, squash, cucumbers, and flowers. I have been indulging all of this week on warm blueberry pie with ice cream, which also means I have been running 5-7 miles/ day to keep the pudge at bay.We made a trip to Albany earlier in July where I received a professional recognition award from my alma mater, and two weeks ago we went to music festival in CT. Ahead of us, the girls have a dance camp next week, and then following week, the older one will go to day camp at farm while we also tent camp as a family at the sister campground. We may also take a drive up the coast, as there is so much of Maine we have not seen.

It’s nice to just spend time chilling out. We are fortunate to have the most amazing summer home; my husband’s father and mother purchased this property on a lake in Western Maine some 48 years ago and now hubby owns it along with his 2 brothers. We are the only one’s who live locally enough to access the property regularly, and to be honest, I sometimes feel like this property is mine! The girls love it here as well, as they get to go to the beach almost everyday, ride in the ski boat, go fishing, and swim to their hearts’ content. Being at “the camp” feels like vacation, and I think we all experience a sense of peace and ease that we don’t have at other times in our lives. It’s easier to meditate here, it’s easier to sleep and rest here. I also find that without the daily distractions I experience elsewhere, I am more likely to get to work on writing and other projects then I would be at home.

Sunset on the Lake

Maine Lake Sunset

We have had a dear friend from college visiting this week and that takes away some of those lonely feelings and my pity-party attitude of I don’t have any friends here. She has been helping a great deal with the girls, acting like their second mom, and this has allowed me the time to finish prepping two of my three Fall courses, while I also continue to write an article that needs to be done by the end of this month.Tonight we are going to have a picnic dinner on the beach, then take a boat ride at sunset and light off some balloon lanterns in memory of those we have lost in the past year. My husband’s mom passed away, my father died, and our dear friend lost her husband (who was also my husband’s best college friend) to lymphoa.

More Maine sunset!

It has been only about a month total I have been “off” from work, and, as I mentioned, I am really experiencing a sense of ease and relaxation that is hard to come by during the school year. However this makes me nervous, because I have this crazy idea that when the wheels start spinning again, I won’t be able to keep up. I also get concerned about just how hard and fast those wheels spin during the school year. I need to find ways to maintain this peace and ease on a year-round basis, though I am entirely grateful that I have these two months to rest and rejuvenate.

But for today, right now, I know what I can do; step away from the computer and spend 10 minutes meditating before the kids return from swimming at the beach, hot and tired and looking for Mommy comfort.