Sometimes Grief

Sometimes grief slips out

When I am least aware.

Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,

Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,

And I feel it well up inside of me.

Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.

Usually I feel it and think why?

Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?

I should be over this….

Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that you were not kind

That you had not the ability to be thoughtful

That you were too broken

To be a caring person

and

That we were not close those last years.

Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief

Though it can make it difficult

To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall

That was built up for protection.

But every now and then it happens

The proper words, the forgotten song,

The right set and setting…

And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.

A few tears spilling down my cheeks

Silent, heart aching, never ending

A quiet reminder

That you are still missed.

Only then, grief spills out.

 

 

Advertisements

Until Peace

Until Peace washes over us

We will continue to suffer

And cry for something more

Not knowing which way to go

Until Peace.

Until Peace engulfs us

And reigns from land to land

We will mourn the loss of loved ones

Crying out and wondering why

Until Peace.

Until Peace soothes our souls

There will be war, hate, and fear

Destruction of beauty, loss of life

Deception and corruption abound.

Until Peace.

Until Peace begins with me

And you, each person striving

To be and bring love into this world

We will need to trust and believe, all is well.

Until Peace.

 

Loss

When the loss is so great

And your heart feels beyond heavy

Saturated with grief and pain

Don’t run and hide in the fear

Rather open up completely

Let the grief swallow you whole

Let the pain tear you apart, bit by bit

Remolding your core of being

For when you open up to

The free falling dark abyss of grief

You will walk through that dark, fire-y, painful night

You will stumble and fall

You will ache and hurt

You will shudder and cry out

And you will carry on, forward marching

And emerge anew

On another side of this universe

Filled with peace, ease, love, and light.

So go now, and take all of your braveness

All of your love that you once knew for this precious lost soul

And allow it to propel you forward

Taking the hand of those who are likewise suffering

Together, you can scream through that dark abyss

Shed rivers of tears on the burning path

Rake your soul over the flames of death

And at last come to calm those fires

With your own healing river of tears

Be brave dear souls

And walk into that promise

Of a light filled peace

Emerging beyond the abyss.

 

The great suffering

A song comes on the radio

And suddenly I am flooded with a memory

Of a mother who lost her son

Before the tears can fall

My lips and chin quiver, out of my control

And the suffering is slamming into my body

Screaming at me to…

Wake up!

I realize, someday I too will lose

My deepest loves of my life

And I think of my own parents

Wondering how they experienced our own dysfunction

And our loss of connection…

Did they miss me and cry for me when I was gone from home?

I do not recall …or I cannot recall …or I will not recall

And now I must tell my own children

My two darlings

I will always love you, I will always remain with you

Through the great suffering of our attachment and love

Onto our loss and pain, and through to our healing.

Life, love, attachment, death, dying, pain, aversion… suffering

We are, I am, and so it is.