She is out

She is kicking and screaming inside

Outside, calm, strong, and civil

She will not be held back

She has changed, she wants out

~

She screams and feels deeply

Anger welling up and up

Rising to burn and burn and burn

The fear and anxiety away, she is out

~

Scr@w this she screams

Scr@w all of this fear and anxiety

I am not doing this anymore

I am out and I am here now, clearly present

~

I will be true to my nature

And recognize my failures

Even as I move away and on

And I reach further and further

~

I will expand she screams

I will engage and move forward

I will not be brought down

Do you hear me????

~

I am here right now

Clear and open and present

I am burning bright

You will not douse me now.

~

My true nature is out.

 

Advertisements

Falling

They keep falling, falling right in front of me

All around me like a swirling blanket

I glance up to see swooping, flying, and dancing

They fall and land and take a rest at last

*

Each in its own unique pattern

Bright white, reflecting the light

Falling from hundreds of feet above

They fall and come to rest, releasing the swirling dance

*

I cannot see then individually, they cling and fly apart

But they act in concert, soon they will be the blankets and piles

Blankets of bright heavenly postcards

Blinding me when I look up, blinding me with brightness and ice, they fall and rest

*

They come to rest and yes, some are plowed into piles,

Others formed into snowmen and snowballs

Or forts, or trails for skis, or icicles

Dripping down, down down toward the ground

*

Come Spring and Summer, I will drink them

They will become me

Part of my cellular makeup, the water on which I will run

In that way, I am also falling whiteness, a blanket right now

*

I am falling, and bright white, and piling up

I am snowballs, and trails, and piles of snow

I am melting and becoming one into the earth,

I am seeping into the water supply moment by moment

*

And you, you are also white and frozen now

Falling, piling, forming, melting

Coming back to earth

Coming back to the Htwo and the O

*

White postcards from heaven

Falling silently, I cannot hear them land

But I know soon, soon, soon

We will be one.

Out Into It

I step out into it

The darkness, crisp air

Only twinkling stars

Sparkling down at me

~

I walk out into it

I look up

and I get that deep sense of Everything

Everything being bigger me

like none of this @#$%  $%^&

In my mind matters

~

I almost jump out of my head

Because look

There IT is

The universe

Unfolding over and over

Day after day

Moment to moment

Twinkle upon twinkle

Right there before my freakin’ eyes

~

So I breathe it all in

The over and over

The twinkling on and on

The right here, right now

~

I keep moving out into It

The here-now moment

I take it into my heart

I close my eyes

I breathe it into my soul

~

I open my eyes

A flash of light

I am beneath the brightest star

And I jump right out into It

She is rising

I make my way downstairs

It is summer, warm, warm summer

And as I look out the window

and get the coffee pot ready

She begins to peak over the horizon at me

Reddish and Orange

Growing slowly but surely

Just like yesterday

And every other day

She grows and blooms before me

~

This morning She reflects of the River

Her orange and yellow glow

Steam rising, rising up off the water

To meet her golden light

Wind ripples water

On this warm, warm summer morning

~

She rises and rises

Moving slowly and steadily

She will make her way following her predictable path

This morning, this warm summer morning

Creating glimmering light so bright

That it is impossible to look at

The reflection beyond the capacity of the human eye.

It cannot be held

But it can be returned to

again and again

~

The birds respond and wake

Signaling to the world

That today has begun

We have another chance

Another opportunity

For light to emerge all around us

And within us

Just as she has risen and shown her strength

So may we.

Stardust

Once the universe exploded

*BANG*

And I was there

Gas and particles

Creating something new

~

And then there was an earth

Covered in ice

I was there

Frozen in time

Particles of ice and dust clinging together

~

Next came a worldwide fire

I was burning from within

And from without

My particles combining

Expanding

Rearranging

~

I was a dinosaur, a fish, a butterfly, and an eagle

I was particles floating and flying

like pollen on a warm spring day

carried by the wind

I was a tree, breathing out fresh oxygen

That even today I breath back  in

~

Fire and Ice, rains and floods, beings and particles

I am these particles

God moving me from stardust

To consciousness, cycle after cycle

Knowing I would return

To that dust again.

~

In this consciousness, in this here and now

I ask myself

I ask my creator

For grace, and peace, and hope

As the particles around me crumble

reform and recombine

help me to make way for something unique each day.

 

A Heart

How do you fix a heart

That was broken so long ago?

It was stitched and patched back together

With silk and gossamer tears

And thin scar tissue barely threatens to hold

The broken heart halves together

~

How do you mend that hole

Where the blood and the tears mix

Together as one

Before they leak and then pour

Merging into a lake sized puddle

Spreading slowly across the floor?

~

Where do you go

To buy the proper materials

And find the best mechanic, artist, technician, or doctor

To put it all back together,

in a way that makes sense?

Please make this poor heart, so full of holes

A whole heart again

~

This heart full of holes

Releases its leaden balloons

Sending up signals

Here is anxiety

Here is pain

Here is fear

And anger comes along too

Leaden, heavy balloons

~

They are floating

Floating heavily before me

Until they slowly fall

Dragging the broken stitched up heart behind them

Into the lake puddle of blood

Leaving me wondering

What now for this empty, empty space

The remaining hole in my chest

With the heart that could not be patched or stitched up again

What now.

 

Madly, wildly disturbed

Yes, he was my brother

Yes he was disturbed; madly, wildly, disturbed

When he went off his medications he could become violent and scary.

He was not my friend for most of our lives

except maybe for Christmas Day

When we were young and would conspire to see the gifts early.

~

When we were kids, he would berate and manipulate me

A few times he punched me in the stomach

He was 3 years older then me and much bigger then my tiny self

But the pain was worth the price I paid, to see him punished by my parents

~

He was successful in high school

A national running champion; he had a girlfriend and a few good friends

I think his girlfriend did his homework for him

He received a running scholarship

Our parents divorced and then he was gone, off to school

~

He took 5 years to graduate

He was not a champion in college

He worked for a year

And then he lost his mind

One big break

Yes, he was disturbed; madly, wildly disturbed.

~

He spent weeks on end in a psychiatric facility

His best friend called the police

After my brother threatened to kill the friend and his friend’s wife.

He gave away almost everything he owned

He owned a pair of running shoes and a pair of running shorts.

~

He was madly, wildly disturbed

He hallucinated for weeks

Bipolar with schizoaffective tendencies

He was the drummer for U2

He was a terrorist

He became a thorazine shuffler

He was lost

He was gone and disturbed

~

He eventually was medicated enough to function

Problem was, he would go off his medications

And even medicated he had some serious issues

Like gambling and building gigantic debts

Stealing from my mother

He was disturbed.

~

His first wife was young; not old enough to drink

Though he was approaching 30

He was acting disturbed before the wedding

Crazy in his usual I am a stupid jerk way

That I remembered from childhood

And I had to walk out of the last meal we would share together

Because of how he treated his soon-to-be-wife,

It reminded me, reminded me, reminded me

of me

~

She left him after he held a knife to her throat

And forced her to worship the TV

He was found running naked, naked except for his running shoes

Naked except for his Nike’s, he was found picking flowers

Thinking he was the next Prefontaine

On the Nike campus in Beverton, Oregon.

~

Patterns repeated over and over

on meds, off meds

Lousy jobs with lousy pay

Lousy relationships

Spending too much, earning too little

He eventually remarried and had a daughter

Had a run in with the law

Assaulted an officer

And was sentenced to three years in prison

~

In prison, he was surprised by the number of homosexual men

He was not great with figuring out how to mind or work with the guards

He was able to help some people get their GEDs

He made some friends in the prison church group

~

And then the letters, letters, letters began

Clearly he was wildly disturbed again

He was in a psychiatric prison now

Completely off his medications

And his cryptic writing stated, over and over….

I feel like I am dying, help me I am dying

~

I could not help

The letters were not written to me

I was sacred to figure it out

I had two babies to care for

And he was madly disturbed

~

The email arrived, your brother is dead

Case in point: never tell somebody that their brother

has died

via an email

~

45 years old

Madly, wildly disturbed

He died in his cell

Alone; alone for hours

He was right; he was dying, just like we all are.

~

And I don’t know anymore or what else to say

I don’t know what to feel

So I feel nothing instead

It’s easier

~

He was  madly wildly disturbed.