No Regrets

He said, I have no regrets

But when the time came to finally rest

He at last admitted

This life he had chosen was far from the best.

~

He was clearly broken

Not sound and not well

But he couldn’t divulge

All of the pain in his personal hell

~

Yes was broken,
 
And he couldn’t figure out why
 
He had to go on living 
 
‘Cause there was no time left to die. 

~

No regrets

None that he could admit anyway

No regrets

No time to live another way…

~

Only time to live

He could regret another day

Only time to live

No regrets left now anyway.

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This Is Life

“This Is Life!” they said,

I sighed, rolled over

And continued to play dead.

*

Yet it rang in my ears

“But you can’t ignore it”, they said

I looked around and brushed away my fears.

*

I took a deep breath

And I yelled aloud

“This ain’t my life! If so I prefer Death!”

*

“Hmmmmph, well that ain’t right”

They whispered back

“But go ahead, walk into the light”.

*

So, I did: I leapt and I fell

Crawling into the light

Phew…heaven and not hell.

*

It should be the end of the story

However it wasn’t

I continue to rise, filled with glory.

*

“Told you” they said

Hmmm, maybe they were right

I am better off not dead.

 

 

Let Go

I had some good poems
They were written in my head
I awoke in the morning
Only to find the poems were quite dead.
*
I frowned down upon them
And sadly shook my head,
You naughty little things
How could you show up so very dead?
*
They still wouldn’t budge, not even a bit
Crying, sighing, they still remained dead
So I stopped what I was doing
And to the light I lifted my head.
*
“Forgive me great universe
These ones wound up being dead”
I prayed over and over again
A chant forming in my head.

school_of_death_web

(google images)

*
And then I let them go
Farewell poems leaving space inside my head
Searching for those new kind words
Having finally let go of you, dear departed dead.

Loss

When the loss is so great

And your heart feels beyond heavy

Saturated with grief and pain

Don’t run and hide in the fear

Rather open up completely

Let the grief swallow you whole

Let the pain tear you apart, bit by bit

Remolding your core of being

For when you open up to

The free falling dark abyss of grief

You will walk through that dark, fire-y, painful night

You will stumble and fall

You will ache and hurt

You will shudder and cry out

And you will carry on, forward marching

And emerge anew

On another side of this universe

Filled with peace, ease, love, and light.

So go now, and take all of your braveness

All of your love that you once knew for this precious lost soul

And allow it to propel you forward

Taking the hand of those who are likewise suffering

Together, you can scream through that dark abyss

Shed rivers of tears on the burning path

Rake your soul over the flames of death

And at last come to calm those fires

With your own healing river of tears

Be brave dear souls

And walk into that promise

Of a light filled peace

Emerging beyond the abyss.

 

This is…

This is me, a baby crying in a crib

One night, all night…

It’s just a story, but somehow I remember

This is you, so relieved when it stops

I never cried out for you again.

*

This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home

Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home

This is you, not knowing I was counting

Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.

*

This is you, going through great pain

And not knowing which direction to take

This is me, watching the family fall apart

And saying it was all okay with me

When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.

*

This is you, living a sort of new life

A new family, a new way of being in the world

This is me, coming home on weekends

Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life

And still wanting a family.

*

This is me, taking things too far

Dangerous behaviors in search of love

This is you, not answering my phone calls

Days, weeks without connecting

Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.

*

This is me, making myself sick, over and over again

Hopeless and anxious about the future

This is you, telling me to figure out

How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help

For a deadly illness.

*

This is you coming back closer to me

Making amends

Trying to be the person I needed in that moment

This is me struggling to balance it all

Teetering on the edge.

*

This is you, saying goodbye to me

Who knew these would be the last real words face-face

This is me, running and pulling up my roots

Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.

*

This is me, trying to connect with you

Phone calls unreturned

This is you, disowning me for an error not of making

Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.

*

This is me during our last phone call

Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives

This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator

When the hospital calls to say your story is ending

And in minutes you take your last breath.

*

This is us, our last moments together in a physical space

Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone

See, yes, this is you

Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.

 

 

You are here

Grey clouds float through a pale blue sky

Over a lake, gentle mountains raising up

As I watch, I certainly know

You breathed this same oxygen.

~

Through splintered rays of light

Shining down through a deep, green forest

Remember, remembering you

Shining in those golden beams.

~

Those gentle summer breezes

Touching my skin lightly

I can’t forget, forgetting

This moment of peace and ease.

~

This is a better way to recall you

Better than those nighttime recollections

Where you visit me and pretend

Like we are together, here and now.

~

So come to me everyday

Through nature’s lingering call

Leaves, breezes, animals

Sunsets giving away to twinkling stars.

Swirling down

I am moving, breathing and moving

Cool cloudy Autumn morning

And then a song comes on

Slowing me down

Love and kisses, sweet haunting melody

And I watch as a gust of wind

Swirls the leaves from the trees

In all of their golden, red, and orange hews

They fly about

Dancing, flitting, sailing down

And I get it, right here and now

This is death, these leaves are already gone

And yet they grace me with such beauty

They will fold back into the earth, returning to whence they came

If they had not fallen, and swirled around me

Gliding through the crisp Fall morning air

There would be no room for the new green Spring buds

Some 8 months from now

For that moment, I rejoiced in their beauty

Their dazzling light and color show

I was there and I was here and now, and with it all at once

Death and life merging in the beautiful dance

Of the Swirling Down Leaves.