Last night I cried
A river of tears streaming out
This I not why I signed up for
My stance would not redoubt.
I didn’t ask for war and hate
Ignorance, violence, and fear
I didn’t think I would face this place
Horror and pain, year after year.
I tell myself, I am not depressed
Just sick and tired of it all
I am not unwell
Just suffering from the fall.
Each little stream
Running down the lines of my face
Create a larger river
Running into that familiar place.
Crying me a deep dark river
Running out of tears
Crying me a deep dark river
Over days and into years.
Last night I cried
I dreamed about you last night
And for those moments
Or was it hours…?
I was hopeful, happy
Everything was good and right.
And then I woke up
Rain pounding on the cold tin roof
Wind screeching in my ears
And the tears came back
What to do now?
How to get back to that
The feeling of good and right
To let go of what’s holding me here
To walk closer to, into
The dreams of last night.
Tears streamed down her face and turned to ice
Plunking on the ground, shattering,
Clink, clank, clunk.
The lump in her throat was splitting her in two
Ripping, shredding, pieces
Her bloody soul splashing to the ground.
How could it be repaired
The freezing, searing, unending pain
Of a too ‘oft’ broken heart?
Screaming, crying, wailing
Red anger bursts out like flames
Burning all who dare to come near.
Someday the tears will melt, no longer made of ice
In the future the shredding will end
And the flames will fade into the distance
Sometimes grief slips out
When I am least aware.
Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,
Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,
And I feel it well up inside of me.
Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.
Usually I feel it and think why?
Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?
I should be over this….
Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.
It doesn’t matter that you were not kind
That you had not the ability to be thoughtful
That you were too broken
To be a caring person
That we were not close those last years.
Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief
Though it can make it difficult
To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall
That was built up for protection.
But every now and then it happens
The proper words, the forgotten song,
The right set and setting…
And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.
A few tears spilling down my cheeks
Silent, heart aching, never ending
A quiet reminder
That you are still missed.
Only then, grief spills out.
I had some good poems
They were written in my head
I awoke in the morning
Only to find the poems were quite dead.
I frowned down upon them
And sadly shook my head,
You naughty little things
How could you show up so very dead?
They still wouldn’t budge, not even a bit
Crying, sighing, they still remained dead
So I stopped what I was doing
And to the light I lifted my head.
“Forgive me great universe
These ones wound up being dead”
I prayed over and over again
A chant forming in my head.
And then I let them go
Farewell poems leaving space inside my head
Searching for those new kind words
Having finally let go of you, dear departed dead.
Until Peace washes over us
We will continue to suffer
And cry for something more
Not knowing which way to go
Until Peace engulfs us
And reigns from land to land
We will mourn the loss of loved ones
Crying out and wondering why
Until Peace soothes our souls
There will be war, hate, and fear
Destruction of beauty, loss of life
Deception and corruption abound.
Until Peace begins with me
And you, each person striving
To be and bring love into this world
We will need to trust and believe, all is well.
This is me, a baby crying in a crib
One night, all night…
It’s just a story, but somehow I remember
This is you, so relieved when it stops
I never cried out for you again.
This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home
Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home
This is you, not knowing I was counting
Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.
This is you, going through great pain
And not knowing which direction to take
This is me, watching the family fall apart
And saying it was all okay with me
When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.
This is you, living a sort of new life
A new family, a new way of being in the world
This is me, coming home on weekends
Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life
And still wanting a family.
This is me, taking things too far
Dangerous behaviors in search of love
This is you, not answering my phone calls
Days, weeks without connecting
Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.
This is me, making myself sick, over and over again
Hopeless and anxious about the future
This is you, telling me to figure out
How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help
For a deadly illness.
This is you coming back closer to me
Trying to be the person I needed in that moment
This is me struggling to balance it all
Teetering on the edge.
This is you, saying goodbye to me
Who knew these would be the last real words face-face
This is me, running and pulling up my roots
Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.
This is me, trying to connect with you
Phone calls unreturned
This is you, disowning me for an error not of making
Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.
This is me during our last phone call
Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives
This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator
When the hospital calls to say your story is ending
And in minutes you take your last breath.
This is us, our last moments together in a physical space
Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone
See, yes, this is you
Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.