Rivers

Last night I cried
A river of tears streaming out
This I not why I signed up for
My stance would not redoubt.
~
I didn’t ask for war and hate
Ignorance, violence, and fear
I didn’t think I would face this place
Horror and pain, year after year.
~
I tell myself, I am not depressed
Just sick and tired of it all
I am not unwell
Just suffering from the fall.
~
Each little stream
Running down the lines of my face
Create a larger river
Running into that familiar place.
~
Crying me a deep dark river
Running out of tears
Crying me a deep dark river
Over days and into years.

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I dreamed last night

I dreamed about you last night
And for those moments
Or was it hours…?
I was hopeful, happy
Everything was good and right.
*
And then I woke up
Rain pounding on the cold tin roof
Wind screeching in my ears
And the tears came back
What to do now?
*
How to get back to that
The feeling of good and right
To let go of what’s holding me here
To walk closer to, into
The dreams of last night.

Graphic Grief

Tears streamed down her face and turned to ice

Plunking on the ground, shattering,

Clink, clank, clunk.

The lump in her throat was splitting her in two

Ripping, shredding, pieces

Her bloody soul splashing to the ground.

How could it be repaired

The freezing, searing, unending pain

Of a too ‘oft’ broken heart?

Screaming, crying, wailing

Red anger bursts out like flames

Burning all who dare to come near.

Someday the tears will melt, no longer made of ice

In the future the shredding will end

And the flames will fade into the distance

Beyond time.

 

 

Sometimes Grief

Sometimes grief slips out

When I am least aware.

Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,

Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,

And I feel it well up inside of me.

Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.

Usually I feel it and think why?

Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?

I should be over this….

Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that you were not kind

That you had not the ability to be thoughtful

That you were too broken

To be a caring person

and

That we were not close those last years.

Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief

Though it can make it difficult

To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall

That was built up for protection.

But every now and then it happens

The proper words, the forgotten song,

The right set and setting…

And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.

A few tears spilling down my cheeks

Silent, heart aching, never ending

A quiet reminder

That you are still missed.

Only then, grief spills out.

 

 

Let Go

I had some good poems
They were written in my head
I awoke in the morning
Only to find the poems were quite dead.
*
I frowned down upon them
And sadly shook my head,
You naughty little things
How could you show up so very dead?
*
They still wouldn’t budge, not even a bit
Crying, sighing, they still remained dead
So I stopped what I was doing
And to the light I lifted my head.
*
“Forgive me great universe
These ones wound up being dead”
I prayed over and over again
A chant forming in my head.

school_of_death_web

(google images)

*
And then I let them go
Farewell poems leaving space inside my head
Searching for those new kind words
Having finally let go of you, dear departed dead.

Until Peace

Until Peace washes over us

We will continue to suffer

And cry for something more

Not knowing which way to go

Until Peace.

Until Peace engulfs us

And reigns from land to land

We will mourn the loss of loved ones

Crying out and wondering why

Until Peace.

Until Peace soothes our souls

There will be war, hate, and fear

Destruction of beauty, loss of life

Deception and corruption abound.

Until Peace.

Until Peace begins with me

And you, each person striving

To be and bring love into this world

We will need to trust and believe, all is well.

Until Peace.

 

This is…

This is me, a baby crying in a crib

One night, all night…

It’s just a story, but somehow I remember

This is you, so relieved when it stops

I never cried out for you again.

*

This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home

Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home

This is you, not knowing I was counting

Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.

*

This is you, going through great pain

And not knowing which direction to take

This is me, watching the family fall apart

And saying it was all okay with me

When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.

*

This is you, living a sort of new life

A new family, a new way of being in the world

This is me, coming home on weekends

Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life

And still wanting a family.

*

This is me, taking things too far

Dangerous behaviors in search of love

This is you, not answering my phone calls

Days, weeks without connecting

Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.

*

This is me, making myself sick, over and over again

Hopeless and anxious about the future

This is you, telling me to figure out

How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help

For a deadly illness.

*

This is you coming back closer to me

Making amends

Trying to be the person I needed in that moment

This is me struggling to balance it all

Teetering on the edge.

*

This is you, saying goodbye to me

Who knew these would be the last real words face-face

This is me, running and pulling up my roots

Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.

*

This is me, trying to connect with you

Phone calls unreturned

This is you, disowning me for an error not of making

Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.

*

This is me during our last phone call

Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives

This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator

When the hospital calls to say your story is ending

And in minutes you take your last breath.

*

This is us, our last moments together in a physical space

Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone

See, yes, this is you

Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.