Gazing

I gaze at her online pictures

A long time ago, we were friends

We ran together, she was a twin

She was a joy to be around, so much fun and so sweet.

In this picture, she looks like her mom, her profile is so stunning

In the next one, she looks like her dad, with the strong jaw and large smile

And in the last one, her daughter looks just like her twin sister at that age.

All I can do is lurk

For she won’t have me

I requested her to be my friend again

And why would she want me,

When I wrote all of the wrong things to her

So very long ago.

We had the same coach

I know he hurt us both

And it’s not just what he did then

It’s the fact that his actions somehow separated us forever.

She is still beautiful

I hope she is happy

All I can do is gaze

And dream that we are friends again.

 

Sometimes Grief

Sometimes grief slips out

When I am least aware.

Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,

Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,

And I feel it well up inside of me.

Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.

Usually I feel it and think why?

Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?

I should be over this….

Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that you were not kind

That you had not the ability to be thoughtful

That you were too broken

To be a caring person

and

That we were not close those last years.

Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief

Though it can make it difficult

To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall

That was built up for protection.

But every now and then it happens

The proper words, the forgotten song,

The right set and setting…

And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.

A few tears spilling down my cheeks

Silent, heart aching, never ending

A quiet reminder

That you are still missed.

Only then, grief spills out.

 

 

Let Go

I had some good poems
They were written in my head
I awoke in the morning
Only to find the poems were quite dead.
*
I frowned down upon them
And sadly shook my head,
You naughty little things
How could you show up so very dead?
*
They still wouldn’t budge, not even a bit
Crying, sighing, they still remained dead
So I stopped what I was doing
And to the light I lifted my head.
*
“Forgive me great universe
These ones wound up being dead”
I prayed over and over again
A chant forming in my head.

school_of_death_web

(google images)

*
And then I let them go
Farewell poems leaving space inside my head
Searching for those new kind words
Having finally let go of you, dear departed dead.

An Answer

He sent me an angel, but I chose not to see

The light that was pouring

From the being in front of me.

~

He sent me a light, so I could now know

That I was no longer alone

Somehow I failed to see it’s bright glow.

~

He sent me a message, written boldly in ink

Clear and articulate, oh so very neat

Yet I struggled again to see link after link.

~

Sadly I cried, until I finally asked him one day

Hey big old guy in the sky

Can’t you send me some answers, guide me on my way?

~

His face full of love, with a smile brighter than the sun

He laughed and he chuckled

It’s all right there, just stop from your frantic run.

~

Breathe he said, and you will know

So I breathed, sitting still

And it all began to flow.

~

The light, the stars, the sky all around

They too breathed out their knowledge

And life became profound.

~

Thank you, thank you, big man in the sky

And he laughed and he twinkled

Someday, he said, you will know why….

 

 

 

 

 

Loss

When the loss is so great

And your heart feels beyond heavy

Saturated with grief and pain

Don’t run and hide in the fear

Rather open up completely

Let the grief swallow you whole

Let the pain tear you apart, bit by bit

Remolding your core of being

For when you open up to

The free falling dark abyss of grief

You will walk through that dark, fire-y, painful night

You will stumble and fall

You will ache and hurt

You will shudder and cry out

And you will carry on, forward marching

And emerge anew

On another side of this universe

Filled with peace, ease, love, and light.

So go now, and take all of your braveness

All of your love that you once knew for this precious lost soul

And allow it to propel you forward

Taking the hand of those who are likewise suffering

Together, you can scream through that dark abyss

Shed rivers of tears on the burning path

Rake your soul over the flames of death

And at last come to calm those fires

With your own healing river of tears

Be brave dear souls

And walk into that promise

Of a light filled peace

Emerging beyond the abyss.

 

This is…

This is me, a baby crying in a crib

One night, all night…

It’s just a story, but somehow I remember

This is you, so relieved when it stops

I never cried out for you again.

*

This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home

Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home

This is you, not knowing I was counting

Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.

*

This is you, going through great pain

And not knowing which direction to take

This is me, watching the family fall apart

And saying it was all okay with me

When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.

*

This is you, living a sort of new life

A new family, a new way of being in the world

This is me, coming home on weekends

Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life

And still wanting a family.

*

This is me, taking things too far

Dangerous behaviors in search of love

This is you, not answering my phone calls

Days, weeks without connecting

Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.

*

This is me, making myself sick, over and over again

Hopeless and anxious about the future

This is you, telling me to figure out

How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help

For a deadly illness.

*

This is you coming back closer to me

Making amends

Trying to be the person I needed in that moment

This is me struggling to balance it all

Teetering on the edge.

*

This is you, saying goodbye to me

Who knew these would be the last real words face-face

This is me, running and pulling up my roots

Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.

*

This is me, trying to connect with you

Phone calls unreturned

This is you, disowning me for an error not of making

Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.

*

This is me during our last phone call

Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives

This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator

When the hospital calls to say your story is ending

And in minutes you take your last breath.

*

This is us, our last moments together in a physical space

Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone

See, yes, this is you

Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.

 

 

Dear Mommy

Mother of my birth

I miss you so today, for this is your day

The anniversary of the day you came into this word.

I am not sure what happened along the way

How we went from going to tea

Celebrating holidays with great joy

To great distance and estrangement.

You were suffering, and closing me off.

No calls, no letters, refusing my efforts.

So, I got busy, pursuing the dream you missed.

Still, I miss you so now.

And we can’t go back.

I wish you could have met these beautiful angels

Your granddaughters

That God sent to me.

I wish you could have been there

When I walked across the stage

When I spoke out loud to hundreds

When I mourned the loss of your son, alone.

I still have dreams of you

Always you look so beautiful and young

Happy and free

Ready for the next adventure.

Someday, Mommy, someday

You will guide me back into the light

We will know that pure love and perfect joy

And we will plan our next journey together.

Fly, brother, fly

He took his last breath

Exhaling… miraculously he was free

Leaving suffering and pain behind him

His soul gently climbed up the starlit stairway… away

He left a trail of light and love in his wake

That love-light rained steadily down upon us

Soaking into our grief-filled hearts

Allowing us to know, we are still one

So we called out to you, fly brother, fly brother

Be free, soul brother, be free

~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~

RIP- Scott “Coach” Hardy

What to do

Uncertainty swirls around her

And she wishes for that feeling

It happens once in awhile

That feeling of knowing of fully

~

Today, though, this is an opportunity

To spend these forever feeling moments

Sitting with the unknown

Allowing a perfect future to emerge.

~

Because , God, Higher Power, the Universe

They know so much better

And she is held closely by them

This journey is not just for the pain.

~

So she decides what to do

Which is to do nothing

Just keep breathing and breathing

And let the teaching and healing emerge.

Grief, a Visitor

She came to visit me this morning

I was fine, listening to the guidance

Of the meditation leader’s voice

I felt nothing but peace

And then I was crying

Holding the grief and also watching it rise up through my body.

~

I cobbled it back together

I pushed her away for a bit, leave me along grief

And again I was fine

Feeding kids breakfast

Jogging around the loop outside the door

Listening to a story podcast

Ah, I am just fine

Until she detailed the loss of her 10 month old baby

I couldn’t stop listening

And I went down in again

Grief slid her arms around me

And pulled me down, down, down

I am here with you now she whispered to me

I am the guest you can’t get rid of so easily.

~

The book I finished

The blog about a mother accepting her body finally

The pictures from Gaza

The pleas for peace and understanding

The children of mine, happy to do nothing and just play

The longing for what never was

The wondering of what will be

The clouds, rain, sun, humidity

Boats passing by on a beautiful mountain lake

The nap and the headache

The work left undone, because it must be undone.

~

All day this unexpected visitor

The one I did not invite

She sits by me, near me

She moves into my heart and pushes the tears out of my eyes

She creates a giant lump in my throat

She dims my appetite and gives me a runny nose

She seems to say I am here

This is my day with you

Do what you can, but for today, I am settled in

And I am not the type of guest who can entertain myself

Who can go see the sights and meet up for drinks later

I am the visitor who lingers on with no suggestion of relief

I am grief:  your unexpected guest, your unwelcomed, persistent visitor.