Doors

Let me back in

How do I get back in

He is on one knee

Holding her hand

Begging, crying

~

I don’t know she says

The door is stuck shut

It melded there

From the heat of my despair

From the warmth of one million tears

~

He knows now the harm

That he has pressed into her soul

The pain that has sealed the door shut

The violence he did not mean to harm her

And he throws himself against the door

~

Again and again

He pounds on the stuck iron

That protects her heart

That keeps her safe

And he eventually realizes

~

He realizes that he created it

The immovable door

The heavy protection around her heart

And now he must search

For a key to unhinge the lock, to swing open the door.

~

Or he must find his way back

Spend his lifetime slowly picking away

At the door with a heartfelt love

Until the metal wears thin

As thin as a veil

~

And the veil is swept away

The lovers meet again

Bound by the heart

Strengthened by the healing

Held together as one.

 

 

I’ll Meet You Soon

Oh, I’ll meet you soon, yes, I’ll search far and oh so wide
I won’t miss your life’s show, gladly be at your side.
*
I’ll look for you in that blue summer sky
Sitting on a cloud, I’ll wave and smile as you float by.
*
I’ll call out to you, as you rest on the dark side of the moon
I am sure I’ll be there quickly, perhaps by the last day in June.
*
I’ll send out a signal, directed to the brightest and largest star
You can wait there for me, I know it’s a trip, but not too awfully far.
*
I’ll find you shining there, at the crisp dark end of this universe
I know I can do it, I’ll just take a left at God’s empty purse.
*
This is my cosmos, just a long silvery-lit dream come true
Oh, I’ll meet you there, just follow this celestial map that I drew.

The Heartbreak

You won’t be the last
And I may be the first
This heart felt like slowly dying
The pain could not be reversed.
*
For when you broke me open
Scraping up all that was left inside
I was crippled and left crawling
Despite how hard I tried.
*
I wish I could tell you
Somehow show you how I have grown
Tears have made me stronger
I thrive, though I am on my own.
*
You won’t be the last
And I may be the first
I own the heartbreak now
With pain,I am well versed.
*
Yet I fear not
Because of you I grew
You won’t be the last
But I am born anew.

I Believe in You

I never believed in much

But I believe in you

I believe you can heal yourself

And start over all anew.

*

I never cared too much

But I care deeply for you

I believe you can grow deeper

And to your own dreams you’ll be true.

*

I never knew too much

Oh, but I knew about love

I studied you from up close, also from afar

And I can see love moving through you from above.

*

I never cried too much

Until you came into my life

Those tears watered my soul

And I have grown through the strife.

*

I never believed in too much

But I believe in you

Until the end, until the last breath

And this life melts away into the blue.

 

 

Remember

I don’t remember

Making the journey to today

Or the day I was born

And the moment you slipped away.

I don’t recall the time it took

To heal from when you hurt me

Or the burning pain, so very deep

Like a rolling, frothing, raging sea.

I also can’t call back

The times of great joy and love

When we were held tight

Enmeshed in a power from above.

This is the problem with me

With the structure of my limited brain

I can’t remember much

The clouds remain unslain.

But maybe it’s a way to move beyond

Oh, yes it could just be a blessing

A way to move forward

So love keeps progressing.

 

 

132 pieces

I don’t know what happened baby

To what once was me and you

It’s not just in a few pieces, baby

I counted them, it’s more like 132.

No, I don’t know what happened baby

To that time that keeps on sliding by

I sure don’t like this broken feeling, baby

It ain’t so low, but it’s far from feeling high.

Won’t you tell me what happened baby

Cause it used to be you + me = 1, not 2

I can’t do the math no more

I just keep missing what was once you.

Let’s see what happened baby

Find us a new kind of super glue

Cause these pieces don’t fit together

We are broken apart baby, in pieces numbering 132.

132 pieces that need sticking back together

132 pieces that may fly off in the wind

132 pieces, broken since I don’t know when

132 pieces baby, look at me cry

132 pieces, we still need to try.

 

 

My darling daughter two

I still remember the day I took the second pregnancy test
It was the day after my 40th birthday and the test the day before my 40th birthday was negative.
And suddenly the line appeared and the thought of you became a reality.
I was a little overwhelmed, as your sister was only 18 months old and I was still breastfeeding her.
Let’s also face it that I was old, a geriatric mother, an advanced maternal age mama who had been too busy chasing educational dreams (or were they nightmares?) to have children earlier.
Shortly after I learned of your existence I had a dream about you, that you were a little boy. I bought a few little boy things and tried to imagine having a boy after having only a girl. What would I do with a boy? All I had was a family name to give a boy.
Finally, at week 20 I learned you were indeed a girl and I could breathe a little easier. Phew, I knew what to do with a little girl. I was horribly sick with morning sickness with you and I swear to God if men were able to conceive and feel like that like they were having the worst hangover of their life, day after day, week after week, like some long drawn out real life Groundhogs Day movie, we would have developed a safe effective medicine that really works for this issue long, long ago.
That being said, I loved dreaming of you, I worried if you would be as cute as your sister, and that of course turned out not to be a problem. I worried when we hit the deer in the road at 5 in the morning on my way to work, but you were safe and snug in utero.
When you finally decided to make your debut, with me going into labor on your grandmother’s birthday, but you not arriving until the next morning, I was surprised at how squishy you looked. I am sure I swore through some of the pain of delivering you, and I remember trying to roar like a lion through contractions and that roar cam out as more of a mew. Regardless, after I caught you, I brought you up to my chest and I said, “I love you baby”.
Before we knew it you went from having to be held in mommy’s left arm all day to scooting around on the floor on your butt, because you refused to crawl. We called you scooter for a few months there, but you quickly outgrew that nickname when you stopped scooting and started walking, chasing after your big sister.
I watch you grow and I am amazed at how smart, funny, witty, and talented you are. It may be hard to be the little sister sometimes, to watch your older sister do things you can’t yet do, and to feel how unfair it is that she is simply older and gets to do other things. But make no mistake, you have your own talents and skills.
When I see you run, I know you have “it”. You remind me of my brother, who was quite the runner, with a grace and ease when you run that is something to behold. You may chose to be a runner or something else, and I don’t really care, all I really want is for your to be happy and healthy, but you probably have that natural ability that could help lift you above the others should you train hard and go that route.
You also have your own musical talents and remember that you and your sister started piano lessons at the same time; therefore you will always have two more years of piano experience than she has had. You started playing when you were 4 I think and I thought it was already late to get you started since your daddy started playing when he was 3.
I hope you keep writing and creating. Drawing, coloring, cooking…there is so much for you to do in the world, so many ways to express yourself.
I still try and get used to the idea that you don’t want to walk or hike, at least that is what you always say, but once we get going, you always have fun, you always lead us along. I hope though that someday you will truly love the adventures of exploring in the outdoors, discovering the beauty all around, and love it such a way as to always be finding ways to connect to nature.
This may be the year that you beat me down the ski mountain. It will be bitter sweet for me, knowing you love to fly like the wind, and knowing I will have to watch you sail by me, someday even letting you go to fly on your own.
You are my baby, my special angel, my daughter number two.

My darling daughter

I love to watch her grow.
And to think she once was so tiny
Beating the beejus out of me with her tiny fists
and big feet when she was in utero.
Later, she would barf up all of the breast milk she had just eaten
onto my favorite tie dye shirt and she would eventually make
me hold her tiny hands while she practiced walking
And read book after book to her when she could finally walk and bring the books to me.
She used to chase after the dog and say, “Sit Lucy sit”, but it sounded like she was “shit Lucy shit” and while I did think to videotape that, I now can’t find it.
Somehow, she grew so fast, I don’t even remember
A single challenging stage with her
Except for maybe when her baby sister came home, and she had to learn to go to sleep by herself after story time.
And now she stands tall on her own
A sweet smile, a good friend, budding musician, creative and kind.
She may even be smarter than me.
She loves it all: science, math, writing, art, creating.
For now, this moment, I can claim that she is still mine, my precious baby.
Even as I feel her pulling her away
Inch by inch, she moves a little closer to her own path.
She won’t tell me who her crush is
Because she knows I will tease her
But in a good way, not a shitty way, I swear,
Yet, I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t tell me either.
She tolerates my swearing, and she lets me play pretend characters with
her and her little sister.
They seem to still like Charlotte, who is around 4 or 5 years old
Charlotte knows everything and she swears by saying the big F word
“Fudge and nuts!”.
What I wish for my daughter is that she finds what makes her happy
and she pursues it with her heart and soul, that she feels drawn and guided toward her dreams.
What I want for her is to be healthy and secure
To have a sense of ease in the world
And to feel heavenly grace when things get tough. For certainly they will.
I also want her to be empowered to say no when she wants or needs to
And to call out injustice when it happens to her or those around her.
She asked me “How mama, how will my generation solve the pollution and global warming problems?”
And I thought, well hell if I know, I am so sorry your generation is so in trouble and possibly even screwed over, life is going to be so different for you in the future.
But I said, “keep studying, keep doing your best now, care for others, and I know this is really awful, we have really messed things up for your generation”.
I don’t know how I will bare to be apart from her
when she finally spreads those beautiful angel wings and flies onto her new life in 6 or so years.
I do know that everyday I will be rooting for her, loving her, and admiring her gifts and talents.
Everyday I will be grateful that I was granted such a precious gift, far more than I deserve, my darling daughter.

This Is Life

“This Is Life!” they said,

I sighed, rolled over

And continued to play dead.

*

Yet it rang in my ears

“But you can’t ignore it”, they said

I looked around and brushed away my fears.

*

I took a deep breath

And I yelled aloud

“This ain’t my life! If so I prefer Death!”

*

“Hmmmmph, well that ain’t right”

They whispered back

“But go ahead, walk into the light”.

*

So, I did: I leapt and I fell

Crawling into the light

Phew…heaven and not hell.

*

It should be the end of the story

However it wasn’t

I continue to rise, filled with glory.

*

“Told you” they said

Hmmm, maybe they were right

I am better off not dead.