The Heartbreak

You won’t be the last
And I may be the first
This heart felt like slowly dying
The pain could not be reversed.
*
For when you broke me open
Scraping up all that was left inside
I was crippled and left crawling
Despite how hard I tried.
*
I wish I could tell you
Somehow show you how I have grown
Tears have made me stronger
I thrive, though I am on my own.
*
You won’t be the last
And I may be the first
I own the heartbreak now
With pain,I am well versed.
*
Yet I fear not
Because of you I grew
You won’t be the last
But I am born anew.

Oh to…

Oh, to have something

Something to write about

Laugh over

Cry for

Strive toward.

~

Oh to leave something

And be scared or happy

Even just to feel free

As you walk slowly away.

~

Oh, to grasp on to something

Feel yourself

Craving, desiring, wanting

Aching for that thing

~

Oh, to feel anxious

Worrying, crying, wondering

Not knowing with certainty

What that future might hold.

~

Oh to let go and just be

With the good, the bad

The hard, the fun

The yucky, and the yicky

~

Oh to be human

Each day a new opportunity

To feel, to love, to suffer

To roam around and wonder.

Pay Attention

This body hurts sometimes

A little right there on the neck

A lot over here between the scapula

The pains, daily they come and go

~

Oh, you old trusty bag of bones

You know just when to get my attention

Subtle ache or severe spasm

You wake me up to me

~

Pinching neck, yikes, who is my pain in the neck

Spasm mid-back, crying out to me

Joints ache when moved, they whisper

Remember, never forget, why you are here

~

Thank you, old trusty bag of bones

Hurting, aging, declining  body

Suffering pieces of me

Twisting my body up

~

You call for me to care for myself

You remind me of life’s suffering

Pain, you create a well of empathy within me

From which I can draw upon each day

~

For we all suffering, on some level

We all have these bags of bones to deal with

Each of us wants to move beyond the pain

And yet pain creates an opportunity to awaken

~

Pain, dare I say, come to me freely

And teach me what I need to know

About empathy, love, surrender

And awaken the heart of my soul.

 

 

Grief, a Visitor

She came to visit me this morning

I was fine, listening to the guidance

Of the meditation leader’s voice

I felt nothing but peace

And then I was crying

Holding the grief and also watching it rise up through my body.

~

I cobbled it back together

I pushed her away for a bit, leave me along grief

And again I was fine

Feeding kids breakfast

Jogging around the loop outside the door

Listening to a story podcast

Ah, I am just fine

Until she detailed the loss of her 10 month old baby

I couldn’t stop listening

And I went down in again

Grief slid her arms around me

And pulled me down, down, down

I am here with you now she whispered to me

I am the guest you can’t get rid of so easily.

~

The book I finished

The blog about a mother accepting her body finally

The pictures from Gaza

The pleas for peace and understanding

The children of mine, happy to do nothing and just play

The longing for what never was

The wondering of what will be

The clouds, rain, sun, humidity

Boats passing by on a beautiful mountain lake

The nap and the headache

The work left undone, because it must be undone.

~

All day this unexpected visitor

The one I did not invite

She sits by me, near me

She moves into my heart and pushes the tears out of my eyes

She creates a giant lump in my throat

She dims my appetite and gives me a runny nose

She seems to say I am here

This is my day with you

Do what you can, but for today, I am settled in

And I am not the type of guest who can entertain myself

Who can go see the sights and meet up for drinks later

I am the visitor who lingers on with no suggestion of relief

I am grief:  your unexpected guest, your unwelcomed, persistent visitor.

 

 

It WIll Be

Someday that will be me

Sitting on a beautiful island

Smiling, surrounded by grandchildren

Speaking from that podium up front

Eating that deliciously amazing meal

Breaking the tape at the finish line

Wearing that gorgeous outfit

Winning over the right person

Living in that lovely house by the ocean

Holding your hand

Wearing the cutest cowboy boots

Becoming your best friend

Victory in hand after winning that award

Treking up that mountain

Someday that will be me

Sleeping in and staying up late

Singing with a perfectly matched pitch

Smiling at my adoring fans

Living a life of humble service

Going off the grid

Running marathon after marathon

Sipping the finest wine

Riding the bucking bronco

Writing the novel of my dreams

Winning you over, again, again, again

Yes, someday that will be me

But until then…

I will smile, nod, and choke back

The green monster of envy

That crawls around in my brain

I want, I want, I want…..

Someday that will be me.

 

 

This War, This Peace

I think, I can’t do this again

Not another war

I can’t watch it all

Tearing families apart

Dead children on cots

Other fleeing for their lives

Over the globe again

Shooting people out of the sky.

I think, this is not MY war

I didn’t ask for this.

I can’t watch as man harms man

And babies, women, innocents are lost.

I think stop already, enough

This is getting us nowhere, nowhere good.

Let’s all just go home quietly

And live through our differences.

Practice acceptance of humankind.

Let’s shut down this ridiculous machine

Let’s stop this war, after war, after war.

When I was younger I thought I won’t bring children

Into a world filled with war and hate

And now I have done that

And I think, we need them now.

We need the children to hold us

And teach us about love and peace

Remind us about innocence and light

Teach them to carry that peace forward.

So “your war” has become

A war on peace

Pushing my motivation to strive for peace

Everyday

Peace in thought

Peace in action

Peace from within

Peace through prayers

To share with a world

That seems to have lost all serenity.

Join in, bring light now

Peace will not be defeated.

In a place seemingly devoid of power

What we can do now

Is strengthen our hold on peace.

Each one of us practicing peace.

Peace, be here now.

Peace, shine through us all.

Peace, in all we do.

 

 

Watching, she let the tears slide down

The feeling of the loss

Grew immense, strong, overwhelming

In her small body

~

How had they all moved apart

Dropping out of each other’s lifes

Like raindrops falling from grey clouds

Landing far apart in one giant pond

~

And in that pond, how was it

That they would never come into contact

That they would fly apart forever

Each following a different path

~

Though really it matters not

Letting the tears slide down today

Feeling the loss throughout

This is what matters today.

 

Someday Peace

Folding laundry

Watching a show

Grief can come

And grief can go

~

Tears spike up easily

Cascading down, and down

The emotions can become too much

A tide that might just drown

~

Why did you all leave me

Alone to live this life

Sometimes I am not strong enough

To face each fear and strife

~

But leave you did

and away you all went

Sometimes I will cry and cry

Moving through a new event

~

I should be thankful

For the emotion, the release

It is far better, lighter now

And someday there will be peace.

 

 

 

Three years later

As the bright sun makes away across the too blue early Spring sky

I recall how you lost your life three years ago, yes that was April as well.

I was not there for your last breaths, just as you were not there for my first breaths.

Yet, it makes no difference now. I never knew if you were there and you knew not if I was there.

There was a great loss of love in our family, in my childhood.

I know now that either you learned to love later or I learned to accept love later.

It was just buried down in there somewhere, beneath the grey muck and pain.

I can picture it now, love beating through the grey muck, a bright yellow feeling of hope.

I can sometimes think of you fondly, of your pride over my accomplishments.

I can push down the stare you provided at the showdown, the blank emptiness and traces of nothing there

I can see clearly now how my own suffering moves me to help others, to connect and care more deeply

And also how it holds me back from others, unable to take the time and make the risk

I can see how everyday my own attachment and aversion to our family impacts me

And then I wish I would take the pain out of my heart pocket

Toss it up into the Spring wind that blows across ice and snow

And watch it fly away back to the universe, scittering away across the river and out to sea

I would also reach in and pull the lump out of my throat, the one that sticks there

Day in and day out, since the day you made me an orphan

An adult orphan, but nonetheless I said it today, I am an orphan

Sometimes too alone in this world to breathe freely

And the vast ocean of loneliness inside reaches a high tide

The waves crashing about in my heart

This three years later.

The child’s dark room

The box shaped room, it was so dark and empty

And yet the little girl went there day after day

Into that empty cold space of nothingness

And this is where she began to pray.

~

Dear God she would mumble

Please come and be with here with me

And she would cry while waiting

Wondering what she might see.

~

She had dreams of pink fairies, sweet lemonade

Contrasting frosty grey clouds with yellow sunny days

Green forests and emerald filled oceans

Her mind would journey in so many different ways.

~

The loneliness remained in the room, pervasive and real

And the girl how she suffered, sometimes withdrew

To question her existence, the gaping abyss

A child alone, loneliness being what she knew.

~

Though this time was quite painful

Seemingly an infinity, so disturbing and long

It was needed for her growth and change

It was the secret ingredient to her emerging song.

~

Don’t give in my dear lonely and lost children

Stuck in your empty, cold dark rooms

Don’t buy into the idea of the infinity of abyss

Don’t think of this as your own tomb.

~

I promise you now, if you can breathe and still learn

To sit, to be, to have infinite trust

That this deep darkness around you will pass

And into a life of light you will be thrust.