grief

Shining Through (For Amanda Gorman)

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

She was a beam of light

Shining through the darkness

Dazzling us to awaken

On a cold January day

*

Dressed in gold

She brought a nation to tears

And filled us with hope

As we took a collective breath

*

Her strong presence

Reminded us of how life can be

A transformation from sorrow and suffering

To healing and growth

*

Her story, her success is a mirror

Of our own collective stories

Rising up and away from the pain

After being with it for so long

*

She is our small miracle

Through our flickering faith that

Someday, we shall overcome

Peace, unity, equality, and justice

Will move from being concepts

To realities

*

Amanda, with the grand light shining through

Brought us hope and connection

A promise of compassion and healing

On a cold January day

Two Minutes to Midnight

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

It’s just two minutes to midnight

This old house it ain’t feeling right

Just two minutes to midnight.

~

She’s broken down and falling apart

She’s bleeding out, there goes her heart

At just two minutes to midnight.

~

The clock it’s a ticking, can’t slow it back down

The fastest two minutes that ever were around

Just two, baby, two minutes left.

~

Her caps are melting, the systems are failing

Some folks wailing, others go on railing

Don’t mater, it’s just two minutes to the end.

~

In just two minutes, she’ll be set back free

But that will be the end, the end to you and me.

Just two minutes, two minutes to midnight.

 

 

Rivers

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Last night I cried
A river of tears streaming out
This I not why I signed up for
My stance would not redoubt.
~
I didn’t ask for war and hate
Ignorance, violence, and fear
I didn’t think I would face this place
Horror and pain, year after year.
~
I tell myself, I am not depressed
Just sick and tired of it all
I am not unwell
Just suffering from the fall.
~
Each little stream
Running down the lines of my face
Create a larger river
Running into that familiar place.
~
Crying me a deep dark river
Running out of tears
Crying me a deep dark river
Over days and into years.

I dreamed last night

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

I dreamed about you last night
And for those moments
Or was it hours…?
I was hopeful, happy
Everything was good and right.
*
And then I woke up
Rain pounding on the cold tin roof
Wind screeching in my ears
And the tears came back
What to do now?
*
How to get back to that
The feeling of good and right
To let go of what’s holding me here
To walk closer to, into
The dreams of last night.

Gazing

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

I gaze at her online pictures

A long time ago, we were friends

We ran together, she was a twin

She was a joy to be around, so much fun and so sweet.

In this picture, she looks like her mom, her profile is so stunning

In the next one, she looks like her dad, with the strong jaw and large smile

And in the last one, her daughter looks just like her twin sister at that age.

All I can do is lurk

For she won’t have me

I requested her to be my friend again

And why would she want me,

When I wrote all of the wrong things to her

So very long ago.

We had the same coach

I know he hurt us both

And it’s not just what he did then

It’s the fact that his actions somehow separated us forever.

She is still beautiful

I hope she is happy

All I can do is gaze

And dream that we are friends again.

 

Suffering

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

A baby not meant to live

A toddler’s tiny body overcome with illness

A teen making the wrong choices

A man broken, fighting his addictions

A middle-age person, grieving his losses

An elder, lonely from the inside out

Suffering….

A child running out, unable to dodge the car

A parent striving to get their child the care they need

A mother saying goodbye to her babies

A man caught up in his own delusions

A person feeling never ending avarice

A life so shattered, the desire to end it grows

Suffering….

A fear so large that it consumes the mind

Anxiety felt deep within the gut

Spasms, tremors, constant pain

Fever so high that seizures happen

Withdrawing from addictive substances

No more answers, no more choices

Suffering….

It is the human condition

It is you, it is me

Listen to what the Buddha said

Attachment and aversion lead to suffering

Sit here now, close eyes, breathe

And accept the suffering.

Suffering….

 

 

 

 

 

Graphic Grief

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Tears streamed down her face and turned to ice

Plunking on the ground, shattering,

Clink, clank, clunk.

The lump in her throat was splitting her in two

Ripping, shredding, pieces

Her bloody soul splashing to the ground.

How could it be repaired

The freezing, searing, unending pain

Of a too ‘oft’ broken heart?

Screaming, crying, wailing

Red anger bursts out like flames

Burning all who dare to come near.

Someday the tears will melt, no longer made of ice

In the future the shredding will end

And the flames will fade into the distance

Beyond time.

 

 

Tears

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

What does it feel like

When those hot salty tears

Escape and run down cold cheeks

And why do they have to make the journey

Day after day after day.

You would think that maybe, just maybe

One day could go by

Where they weren’t making the journey.

But still every day

Like clockwork

Slipping, sliding down

Saline tears leak from eyes

Finding new wrinkles and avoiding old paths

They meander.

It feels like brokenness, heartbreak, fear, and anger

It tastes like despair, like nothing will ever change

And the tears, they shine like loneliness

The killer we all try not to recognize

For who is to blame when it comes to being lonely?

So the tears will continue their cascade

Like the world will spin

The sun will rise and set

And the moon will chase after her

From now until forever

Tears will fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#MeToo

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

I was 14
He was my track coach
I thought he was one of my best friends
He was 31
#MeToo
~
My brother left me alone
With his friend’s cousin
I didn’t want to
But…
#MeToo
~
He said to me
It’s not over until
I say it’s over
And so it was
#MeToo
~
He also said to me
I love it when you get drunk
You will do anything
When you are drunk
#MeToo
~
Three doctors
They touched me, one causing pain
Lacking all sense of decency
One was a woman
#MeToo
~
At work as a nurse
Arms wrapped too tight
What would he say?
Nothing, he’d knock you out
#MeToo
~
There’s more
Too much more
And I wonder why
I am how I am
#MeToo
~
Every woman
Our young girls
Every vulnerable being
Deserves better
#NoMore
#StandUp
#MeToo

Sometimes Grief

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Sometimes grief slips out

When I am least aware.

Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,

Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,

And I feel it well up inside of me.

Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.

Usually I feel it and think why?

Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?

I should be over this….

Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that you were not kind

That you had not the ability to be thoughtful

That you were too broken

To be a caring person

and

That we were not close those last years.

Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief

Though it can make it difficult

To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall

That was built up for protection.

But every now and then it happens

The proper words, the forgotten song,

The right set and setting…

And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.

A few tears spilling down my cheeks

Silent, heart aching, never ending

A quiet reminder

That you are still missed.

Only then, grief spills out.