death

Two Minutes to Midnight

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

It’s just two minutes to midnight

This old house it ain’t feeling right

Just two minutes to midnight.

~

She’s broken down and falling apart

She’s bleeding out, there goes her heart

At just two minutes to midnight.

~

The clock it’s a ticking, can’t slow it back down

The fastest two minutes that ever were around

Just two, baby, two minutes left.

~

Her caps are melting, the systems are failing

Some folks wailing, others go on railing

Don’t mater, it’s just two minutes to the end.

~

In just two minutes, she’ll be set back free

But that will be the end, the end to you and me.

Just two minutes, two minutes to midnight.

 

 

Sometimes Grief

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Sometimes grief slips out

When I am least aware.

Like when the person on the radio says something so relatable,

Or the book my child is reading makes a relevant point,

And I feel it well up inside of me.

Throat constricting, tears brimming, nose running.

Usually I feel it and think why?

Why should I care anymore, you have been gone so long?

I should be over this….

Even as the tears slide down my face, and I pretend like I still don’t care.

It doesn’t matter that you were not kind

That you had not the ability to be thoughtful

That you were too broken

To be a caring person

and

That we were not close those last years.

Estrangement does not loosen the grip of grief

Though it can make it difficult

To break down and walk through the stoney cold wall

That was built up for protection.

But every now and then it happens

The proper words, the forgotten song,

The right set and setting…

And only then the grief leaks out, in micro amounts.

A few tears spilling down my cheeks

Silent, heart aching, never ending

A quiet reminder

That you are still missed.

Only then, grief spills out.

 

 

This Is Life

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

“This Is Life!” they said,

I sighed, rolled over

And continued to play dead.

*

Yet it rang in my ears

“But you can’t ignore it”, they said

I looked around and brushed away my fears.

*

I took a deep breath

And I yelled aloud

“This ain’t my life! If so I prefer Death!”

*

“Hmmmmph, well that ain’t right”

They whispered back

“But go ahead, walk into the light”.

*

So, I did: I leapt and I fell

Crawling into the light

Phew…heaven and not hell.

*

It should be the end of the story

However it wasn’t

I continue to rise, filled with glory.

*

“Told you” they said

Hmmm, maybe they were right

I am better off not dead.

 

 

Dancing In The Sun

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Just a few are gathered now
In a place so light and free
Just a few converging
One of them could be me.
*
Just a few assembled
To dance under a sinking sun
Soon nighttime will gather
You won’t find them on the run.
*
Amassing love and peace
Souls create a true convergence
They practice and rehearse
Creating a love-filled resurgence.
*
We will keep on dancing
Moving under a star-lit sky
Spinning and twirling
We are free until they die.
*
All will still be singing
Those precious songs from within
There are no words, only space
Little comforts in this tailspin.
*
It will surely end in death
But at least we will be free
All certainly ends with nothing
And the same will be of me.
*
Until that time I will keep dancing
Singing until I am free
Until then you will find me twirling
Living, a mind full of God’s esprit.
*
Darling, you can keep on dancing
For it will set your spirit free
You may look within your own sweet self
Gazing deeper still to see.

Let Go

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

I had some good poems
They were written in my head
I awoke in the morning
Only to find the poems were quite dead.
*
I frowned down upon them
And sadly shook my head,
You naughty little things
How could you show up so very dead?
*
They still wouldn’t budge, not even a bit
Crying, sighing, they still remained dead
So I stopped what I was doing
And to the light I lifted my head.
*
“Forgive me great universe
These ones wound up being dead”
I prayed over and over again
A chant forming in my head.

school_of_death_web

(google images)

*
And then I let them go
Farewell poems leaving space inside my head
Searching for those new kind words
Having finally let go of you, dear departed dead.

Until Peace

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Until Peace washes over us

We will continue to suffer

And cry for something more

Not knowing which way to go

Until Peace.

Until Peace engulfs us

And reigns from land to land

We will mourn the loss of loved ones

Crying out and wondering why

Until Peace.

Until Peace soothes our souls

There will be war, hate, and fear

Destruction of beauty, loss of life

Deception and corruption abound.

Until Peace.

Until Peace begins with me

And you, each person striving

To be and bring love into this world

We will need to trust and believe, all is well.

Until Peace.

 

Loss

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

When the loss is so great

And your heart feels beyond heavy

Saturated with grief and pain

Don’t run and hide in the fear

Rather open up completely

Let the grief swallow you whole

Let the pain tear you apart, bit by bit

Remolding your core of being

For when you open up to

The free falling dark abyss of grief

You will walk through that dark, fire-y, painful night

You will stumble and fall

You will ache and hurt

You will shudder and cry out

And you will carry on, forward marching

And emerge anew

On another side of this universe

Filled with peace, ease, love, and light.

So go now, and take all of your braveness

All of your love that you once knew for this precious lost soul

And allow it to propel you forward

Taking the hand of those who are likewise suffering

Together, you can scream through that dark abyss

Shed rivers of tears on the burning path

Rake your soul over the flames of death

And at last come to calm those fires

With your own healing river of tears

Be brave dear souls

And walk into that promise

Of a light filled peace

Emerging beyond the abyss.

 

Hush Now

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

Hush now

Watch a river flowing by

Guided by winds and tides

You reflect what meets the eye.

*

Quiet now

Stand strong as the tallest tree

Take up your space when needed

And do it comfortably.

*

Smile now

Watch the eagle fly overhead

Soar higher and higher

Rise above the flow of bloodshed.

*

Tears now

Seeing children laugh and play

Let go of fears of tomorrow

And be filled with grace today.

This is…

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

This is me, a baby crying in a crib

One night, all night…

It’s just a story, but somehow I remember

This is you, so relieved when it stops

I never cried out for you again.

*

This is me sitting in the dark space of my bedroom, after I called to see when you would be home

Counting minutes, 5:30, 5:31… 6:00 and you are not home

This is you, not knowing I was counting

Not knowing that 30 minutes of loneliness is just too many minutes.

*

This is you, going through great pain

And not knowing which direction to take

This is me, watching the family fall apart

And saying it was all okay with me

When the universe flung us away from each other, a family crumbling to pieces.

*

This is you, living a sort of new life

A new family, a new way of being in the world

This is me, coming home on weekends

Torn between an independent 15 year old’s life

And still wanting a family.

*

This is me, taking things too far

Dangerous behaviors in search of love

This is you, not answering my phone calls

Days, weeks without connecting

Not knowing if I remain in this world or somewhere else.

*

This is me, making myself sick, over and over again

Hopeless and anxious about the future

This is you, telling me to figure out

How hard can it be to take a bus somewhere and get help

For a deadly illness.

*

This is you coming back closer to me

Making amends

Trying to be the person I needed in that moment

This is me struggling to balance it all

Teetering on the edge.

*

This is you, saying goodbye to me

Who knew these would be the last real words face-face

This is me, running and pulling up my roots

Looking for someway out of the mess of the moment.

*

This is me, trying to connect with you

Phone calls unreturned

This is you, disowning me for an error not of making

Both of us preferring to not do the work to bring us back together.

*

This is me during our last phone call

Where I tell you I am pregnant and I want you in our lives

This is you two weeks later, on a ventilator

When the hospital calls to say your story is ending

And in minutes you take your last breath.

*

This is us, our last moments together in a physical space

Your body is already cold and your spirit has gone

See, yes, this is you

Flying away from me again, up to the heavens where you belong.

 

 

To the motherless

Posted on by Carey S. Clark, PhD, RN, AHN-BC, RYT, FAAN

It’s going to be okay, my dear child

The wise woman whispered

Your mother is a part of you, and all around you

Just open your eyes to see her

See her everywhere.

Even if your mother is no longer,

No longer here in bodily form

Or was never there for you on this journey

You can see that she still is everywhere:

In the light that filters through the Spring leaves on the trees.

Twinkling from a star so far and yet so near.

In the wind that blows your hair around your head.

Between the musical notes of your favorite song.

In the eyes, nose, mouth that stare back at you from the mirror.

Through the way you laugh and smile when filled with joy.

In each wave crashing up from the ocean and landing briefly on the shore

Beaming brightly from a full rising moon

In every breath, as you breathe in the same oxygen molecules

that your mother inhaled while she carried you, safely, deep within her.

It’s all there, the mother you always wanted,

The mother you always needed.

She has been right here with you all along

She never left your side.

You may decide to no longer grieve this perceived loss of the mother

And you may decide to open your heart

To the beauty of the mother all around you.

Fear not, child, fear not

For you may decide to live

As if there is no such being

As a truly motherless child.