Big baby ‘NAH

He’s just a big baby

Totally out of control

Whiny, crying baby

Frowning: “But look at the toll…!”

“I’ve suffered so much”

He barks, again and again

“I can’t wait to be confirmed”

To begin my lifelong rein.

No composure, no grace

Good lord is this our man?

He lies and doesn’t answer

Tucks his head back in the sand.

I won’t hold my breath

Because it’s still a white frat boy’s world

They will sign it in their blood

Despite his black soul being unfurled.

 

 

 

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No Regrets

He said, I have no regrets

But when the time came to finally rest

He at last admitted

This life he had chosen was far from the best.

~

He was clearly broken

Not sound and not well

But he couldn’t divulge

All of the pain in his personal hell

~

Yes was broken,
 
And he couldn’t figure out why
 
He had to go on living 
 
‘Cause there was no time left to die. 

~

No regrets

None that he could admit anyway

No regrets

No time to live another way…

~

Only time to live

He could regret another day

Only time to live

No regrets left now anyway.

Suffering

A baby not meant to live

A toddler’s tiny body overcome with illness

A teen making the wrong choices

A man broken, fighting his addictions

A middle-age person, grieving his losses

An elder, lonely from the inside out

Suffering….

A child running out, unable to dodge the car

A parent striving to get their child the care they need

A mother saying goodbye to her babies

A man caught up in his own delusions

A person feeling never ending avarice

A life so shattered, the desire to end it grows

Suffering….

A fear so large that it consumes the mind

Anxiety felt deep within the gut

Spasms, tremors, constant pain

Fever so high that seizures happen

Withdrawing from addictive substances

No more answers, no more choices

Suffering….

It is the human condition

It is you, it is me

Listen to what the Buddha said

Attachment and aversion lead to suffering

Sit here now, close eyes, breathe

And accept the suffering.

Suffering….

 

 

 

 

 

Untethered

I was standing in the tower

In the place of the mountain

City by the beautiful bay

Looking out into the darkness

I was so untethered there

That all I could do was think of you

And dream you into my life.

The next day I ran

I ran and ran along the sea

Through the fog

And up to the crest of the 1000 foot mountain

Overlooking the churning deep blue sea.

I was afraid to go closer

Closer to the edge, because part of me was there already

Sitting on the edge of that high seaside mountain

Thinking of flying off, and not flying off.

To fly and really feel how untethered to this world I was

Or to sit back down on the earth

And go back to dreaming of a weight, weight to hold me here.

The depth of emptiness, loneliness at that time

Is hard, and yet not hard at all, to recall and I am not quite sure

What pulled me through, why I did not fly those days on the mountain

There must have been the dreams I still had

Of one day, a family, one day a tethering to this world.

For me it did come, the bracing to life, but it was a long journey back

One I still walk each day, as I examine the fragile tethering that holds me

And if you are felling untethered, I would like to say hold on

Healing is possible, reach out for this line

That I am tossing to you now

I will be your tether whenever, however I can

I’ll hold you in this space on earth.

 

 

Attachment

I know you

My addiction, my attachment

Even though I left you behind

Now some years ago

You emerge in my dreams.

Sometimes I startle back to consciousness

And I think

No, I can’t go back to that.

And some waking days I think of you

Or long for what you did for me

And I can smell you and see you there

I can feel the craving so deep

I want you.

I want to drink you, eat you, consume you, purge you.

But I did not work this hard

Come this far

To find myself sitting down there

With you, miserable after the pleasure and pain.

My attachment, though I have left you behind

Not to worry, you are still here

Reminding me, again and again

Every day a new opportunity to release you anew.

 

 

I should be

I should be writing, I think

Instead I am just sitting here

Stumbling, grumbling, grasping

Fighting with the words

That keep getting stuck

in the nooks and crannies of my head.

@&*%^

I should be singing

With a full heart and voice

Sending it out

Across the Universe

For you to sing too

Instead I sit quietly

A burning lump in my throat

@$%^@

I should be running

Faster and stronger

Moving from here to there and back

Again, repeat, again

Meanwhile I lay perfectly still

staring at the icicles

Dripping and losing themselves

+@#$%

Something in me wiggles and writhes about

This is not right to do just nothing

To be bored and restless

Find a focus, something urges

Do something, get busy

Grade these papers, edit that paper

Write this poem

@+&*(

Or go somehwere

Get in your car and go somewhere

Shopping, movie, food, coffee, clothes, shoes

Yoga, gym, hiking, skiing, therapy, bodywork, library

Anything, just get out and go

Here or there or wherever

*&%^$

Or meditate, yes that is it!

Go deep and feel it

Oh yes, that came from here and this from there

And I can feel it there, and here, and over there

What a crazy little monkey mind you have there

And oh yes, write about it

Journal it all up and tie it with a bow

+(*&^

Just do something

The mind propels, compels, active and wild,

Bored and restless and angry

You can’t just sit there

Curled up on the couch like that

Under how many cuddly blankets

Napping like some middle aged loser baby

@*&$

Don’t just be

Don’t just rest

Don’t just sit there

This is it, just today

Remember all of those other days you just sat there?

+_$%^

I should be….

 

 

 

 

 

This Mountain: A story of and lesson in ease

It is cold out; it is June and we are at 8,000 feet in the sky. I do not believe it is only 43 degrees at 7 in the morning

So I check several sources and yes it is 43

But I am from Maine, so I can wear shorts and layers

I head out toward the mountain and pass a lady along the way

She wears a hat, a jacket, sweat pants, and gloves

She is not from Maine, I gather

As I say good morning

~

I begin to jog, it feels good and easy

Until I get to the slopes

And the lactic acid kicks in

Heart pounding

Legs aching

Lungs crying

I walk

and I stop

I almost crawl up some of the steep slope

But I stop again

and I look around me

Taking the time to find the ease and beauty

in the moment

~

At any moment we can find this

We can stop our uphill battle

be present

and see the beauty of the mountain

of melting snow

of rushing water

At any moment we can breath

And honor our human condition

as we step into the here and now

at any moment we can let go and simply be

~

I re-evaluate my route on this morning walk/ hike. I  jog

Starting and stopping

jogging and hiking

Sliding down the mountain

Breathing and noticing

Finding the ease for myself

as I look for the way back

Back and back and back

~

I stop and breathe and notice God’s creation

all around me

within me

this journey goes on

I change paths and go further, further, further then I had planned

and all that I must do is notice, seek ease, trust that I am guided toward

exactly where I need to be.

~

May all beings be able to stop and let go of the struggle

May all being know peace, joy and ease

May all beings uncover the truth

of that which is the only permanence

the alpha, the omega, the mother-father God within

And find a way to create ease from the heart.