My darling daughter two

I still remember the day I took the second pregnancy test
It was the day after my 40th birthday and the test the day before my 40th birthday was negative.
And suddenly the line appeared and the thought of you became a reality.
I was a little overwhelmed, as your sister was only 18 months old and I was still breastfeeding her.
Let’s also face it that I was old, a geriatric mother, an advanced maternal age mama who had been too busy chasing educational dreams (or were they nightmares?) to have children earlier.
Shortly after I learned of your existence I had a dream about you, that you were a little boy. I bought a few little boy things and tried to imagine having a boy after having only a girl. What would I do with a boy? All I had was a family name to give a boy.
Finally, at week 20 I learned you were indeed a girl and I could breathe a little easier. Phew, I knew what to do with a little girl. I was horribly sick with morning sickness with you and I swear to God if men were able to conceive and feel like that like they were having the worst hangover of their life, day after day, week after week, like some long drawn out real life Groundhogs Day movie, we would have developed a safe effective medicine that really works for this issue long, long ago.
That being said, I loved dreaming of you, I worried if you would be as cute as your sister, and that of course turned out not to be a problem. I worried when we hit the deer in the road at 5 in the morning on my way to work, but you were safe and snug in utero.
When you finally decided to make your debut, with me going into labor on your grandmother’s birthday, but you not arriving until the next morning, I was surprised at how squishy you looked. I am sure I swore through some of the pain of delivering you, and I remember trying to roar like a lion through contractions and that roar cam out as more of a mew. Regardless, after I caught you, I brought you up to my chest and I said, “I love you baby”.
Before we knew it you went from having to be held in mommy’s left arm all day to scooting around on the floor on your butt, because you refused to crawl. We called you scooter for a few months there, but you quickly outgrew that nickname when you stopped scooting and started walking, chasing after your big sister.
I watch you grow and I am amazed at how smart, funny, witty, and talented you are. It may be hard to be the little sister sometimes, to watch your older sister do things you can’t yet do, and to feel how unfair it is that she is simply older and gets to do other things. But make no mistake, you have your own talents and skills.
When I see you run, I know you have “it”. You remind me of my brother, who was quite the runner, with a grace and ease when you run that is something to behold. You may chose to be a runner or something else, and I don’t really care, all I really want is for your to be happy and healthy, but you probably have that natural ability that could help lift you above the others should you train hard and go that route.
You also have your own musical talents and remember that you and your sister started piano lessons at the same time; therefore you will always have two more years of piano experience than she has had. You started playing when you were 4 I think and I thought it was already late to get you started since your daddy started playing when he was 3.
I hope you keep writing and creating. Drawing, coloring, cooking…there is so much for you to do in the world, so many ways to express yourself.
I still try and get used to the idea that you don’t want to walk or hike, at least that is what you always say, but once we get going, you always have fun, you always lead us along. I hope though that someday you will truly love the adventures of exploring in the outdoors, discovering the beauty all around, and love it such a way as to always be finding ways to connect to nature.
This may be the year that you beat me down the ski mountain. It will be bitter sweet for me, knowing you love to fly like the wind, and knowing I will have to watch you sail by me, someday even letting you go to fly on your own.
You are my baby, my special angel, my daughter number two.

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Summer Love

Sunshine beats down on me

Until that precious moment when

Your gentle breezes cool my body.

Summer.

Rain, lightening, thunder, humidity

Not one endless stream of happy weather

Wind kicks up white caps on the lake.

Summer.

Hiking, laughing, sleeping, playing

Mini-golf, ice cream, sweet corn

Outdoor concerts.

Summer.

And yet now, fall begins to creep in

Cooler evenings, brisk mornings, leaves changing

We bid you a fond farewell and adieu.

Dear summer.

 

 

 

 

 

Lotus & Dragonfly

Both mired in the muck, the mud
Immersed so deeply in the darkness
They journey alongside one another
Striving, healing, rising
Ever arising.
*
Lotus rises first
Green emerging
Flat leaves, broad and sturdy
Shading pond below
Silently growing, transforming.
*


*
Alongside lotus, dragonfly nymph
Slowly climbing out of muck
Arise above mud, and climb green reed
Pause…
Next, emergence.
*

*
Lotus flower grows tall
Dragonfly nymph wriggles
Both work, both venture
A world unknown
A new life.
*
Lotus flower slowly blossoms
Emerging in sunlight
Drinking in warmth
Closing upon darkness
Always protected.
*
Dragonfly pauses
Patiently waiting, drying
Growing stronger through sitting
Little movement
Preparing for flight.
*
Lotus, Dragonfly
Lessons to learn
Arise, arise, and arise above
The depths of darkness
From whence they came.

Freedom

One day we will rise up

With small smiles in our eyes

Our hearts bursting with love

And we will know peace.

One morning we will turn our backs

And walk slowly away

Knowing conscious freedom

Oppression now a thing of the past.

No more doubt, no more fear

Strength from within emerges

Kindness, care, compassion

Ruling this big blue planet.

Until then, I will believe

In the kindness of strangers

In the light from your eyes

In the call of the birds

And the warm breeze blowing over me.

I will believe in a greater good

A daily miracle from nature

A stronger power of presence.

I will believe in the season of change

Stepping up and moving forward

A path laid out at my feet

And freedom for all.

Illusions

It was a normal morning
I walked outside with my fresh hot coffee
And for 5 seconds
I saw it all…

The boy opening his cigarette package
Hands shaking, so young
The man getting out of his car
The cars whizzing by on the road.

All temporary
Illusions floating by
Realities soon to change
A glitch in the matrix.

And I thought…
What did I just see, truth?
How did the veil flutter aside
For just a few seconds.

It’s gone now
But I keep thinking, yes
I will be in that moment again
One day, one night, soon.

Moments

Rainbows and dark clouds
Tiny white flowers dotting the trail’s edge
Waves crashing to the shore
Steaming hot day.

Sounds of a lawn mower
A siren blares
A radio in the distance
The cat meows quietly.

Rain hitting the roof
Warm breeze blowing through the window
Childs’ laughter at the park
Dog whines at the door.

Moment to moment
Sound to sound
Presence in the here, the now
Moments….

The Path

The forest path becomes hard to follow

Covered in leaves, every direction looks the same.

I turn around in circles, squares, leaping, dodging

Following the wrong path once again.

trail slight blur.jpg*

Then I remember, the disappeared

a long forgotten thought,

That I am grounded and guided

And worry I should not.

trail_.5_blur_.jpg

*

I fall down and pray

A prayer of forgotten days

To be engulfed in golden light

Finding my way through the haze.blur.jpg

*

Despite my very best efforts

The path eventually emerges,

And love surrounds me

I reflect on my controlling urges.

 15027554_10154209325666028_8335642484688522260_n.jpg

*

The path may be difficult

Sometimes hard to manage

But when I let go of control

I give up and God takes the most advantage. 

clear path.jpg

*

Thank you emerging and unfolding path

Though sometimes hard to follow

I cherish the journey here

And with love I am held hallowed.