Last night I cried
A river of tears streaming out
This I not why I signed up for
My stance would not redoubt.
I didn’t ask for war and hate
Ignorance, violence, and fear
I didn’t think I would face this place
Horror and pain, year after year.
I tell myself, I am not depressed
Just sick and tired of it all
I am not unwell
Just suffering from the fall.
Each little stream
Running down the lines of my face
Create a larger river
Running into that familiar place.
Crying me a deep dark river
Running out of tears
Crying me a deep dark river
Over days and into years.
Last night I cried
She writes about her dreams
Of fleet feet and flying fantasy
Winning it all
Her dreams precede her
Into the dark of night
Where the stars seem nearly attainable
Though hidden within a blanket of wildfire smoke
Her dreams lift her spirit
To that place where true Soul flies free
Everything is possible
The surreal becomes palpable
Ethereal emerges, an effable reality
Time melts like Dali’s clocks
Thoughts spinning realities
Carried away again
Riding on the coattails of the imagined
She may get lost or not found
Dreaming her small life away
I still remember the day I took the second pregnancy test
It was the day after my 40th birthday and the test the day before my 40th birthday was negative.
And suddenly the line appeared and the thought of you became a reality.
I was a little overwhelmed, as your sister was only 18 months old and I was still breastfeeding her.
Let’s also face it that I was old, a geriatric mother, an advanced maternal age mama who had been too busy chasing educational dreams (or were they nightmares?) to have children earlier.
Shortly after I learned of your existence I had a dream about you, that you were a little boy. I bought a few little boy things and tried to imagine having a boy after having only a girl. What would I do with a boy? All I had was a family name to give a boy.
Finally, at week 20 I learned you were indeed a girl and I could breathe a little easier. Phew, I knew what to do with a little girl. I was horribly sick with morning sickness with you and I swear to God if men were able to conceive and feel like that like they were having the worst hangover of their life, day after day, week after week, like some long drawn out real life Groundhogs Day movie, we would have developed a safe effective medicine that really works for this issue long, long ago.
That being said, I loved dreaming of you, I worried if you would be as cute as your sister, and that of course turned out not to be a problem. I worried when we hit the deer in the road at 5 in the morning on my way to work, but you were safe and snug in utero.
When you finally decided to make your debut, with me going into labor on your grandmother’s birthday, but you not arriving until the next morning, I was surprised at how squishy you looked. I am sure I swore through some of the pain of delivering you, and I remember trying to roar like a lion through contractions and that roar cam out as more of a mew. Regardless, after I caught you, I brought you up to my chest and I said, “I love you baby”.
Before we knew it you went from having to be held in mommy’s left arm all day to scooting around on the floor on your butt, because you refused to crawl. We called you scooter for a few months there, but you quickly outgrew that nickname when you stopped scooting and started walking, chasing after your big sister.
I watch you grow and I am amazed at how smart, funny, witty, and talented you are. It may be hard to be the little sister sometimes, to watch your older sister do things you can’t yet do, and to feel how unfair it is that she is simply older and gets to do other things. But make no mistake, you have your own talents and skills.
When I see you run, I know you have “it”. You remind me of my brother, who was quite the runner, with a grace and ease when you run that is something to behold. You may chose to be a runner or something else, and I don’t really care, all I really want is for your to be happy and healthy, but you probably have that natural ability that could help lift you above the others should you train hard and go that route.
You also have your own musical talents and remember that you and your sister started piano lessons at the same time; therefore you will always have two more years of piano experience than she has had. You started playing when you were 4 I think and I thought it was already late to get you started since your daddy started playing when he was 3.
I hope you keep writing and creating. Drawing, coloring, cooking…there is so much for you to do in the world, so many ways to express yourself.
I still try and get used to the idea that you don’t want to walk or hike, at least that is what you always say, but once we get going, you always have fun, you always lead us along. I hope though that someday you will truly love the adventures of exploring in the outdoors, discovering the beauty all around, and love it such a way as to always be finding ways to connect to nature.
This may be the year that you beat me down the ski mountain. It will be bitter sweet for me, knowing you love to fly like the wind, and knowing I will have to watch you sail by me, someday even letting you go to fly on your own.
You are my baby, my special angel, my daughter number two.
Sunshine beats down on me
Until that precious moment when
Your gentle breezes cool my body.
Rain, lightening, thunder, humidity
Not one endless stream of happy weather
Wind kicks up white caps on the lake.
Hiking, laughing, sleeping, playing
Mini-golf, ice cream, sweet corn
And yet now, fall begins to creep in
Cooler evenings, brisk mornings, leaves changing
We bid you a fond farewell and adieu.
Both mired in the muck, the mud
Immersed so deeply in the darkness
They journey alongside one another
Striving, healing, rising
Lotus rises first
Flat leaves, broad and sturdy
Shading pond below
Silently growing, transforming.
Alongside lotus, dragonfly nymph
Slowly climbing out of muck
Arise above mud, and climb green reed
Lotus flower grows tall
Dragonfly nymph wriggles
Both work, both venture
A world unknown
A new life.
Lotus flower slowly blossoms
Emerging in sunlight
Drinking in warmth
Closing upon darkness
Patiently waiting, drying
Growing stronger through sitting
Preparing for flight.
Lessons to learn
Arise, arise, and arise above
The depths of darkness
From whence they came.
One day we will rise up
With small smiles in our eyes
Our hearts bursting with love
And we will know peace.
One morning we will turn our backs
And walk slowly away
Knowing conscious freedom
Oppression now a thing of the past.
No more doubt, no more fear
Strength from within emerges
Kindness, care, compassion
Ruling this big blue planet.
Until then, I will believe
In the kindness of strangers
In the light from your eyes
In the call of the birds
And the warm breeze blowing over me.
I will believe in a greater good
A daily miracle from nature
A stronger power of presence.
I will believe in the season of change
Stepping up and moving forward
A path laid out at my feet
And freedom for all.
It was a normal morning
I walked outside with my fresh hot coffee
And for 5 seconds
I saw it all…
The boy opening his cigarette package
Hands shaking, so young
The man getting out of his car
The cars whizzing by on the road.
Illusions floating by
Realities soon to change
A glitch in the matrix.
And I thought…
What did I just see, truth?
How did the veil flutter aside
For just a few seconds.
It’s gone now
But I keep thinking, yes
I will be in that moment again
One day, one night, soon.